Johnny Manziel, for many reasons, is a bit of a personal hero of mine. Not that I would act how he acts or condone underage drinking or anything like that, I just thoroughly enjoy how he’s slowly exposing several corrupt and overall flawed things about college football. But I digress as this is neither the time nor place to discuss such things.
What you’re here for is a song. Manziel, the media and the fans have made a lot of Manziel’s escapades this summer leading up to the college football season. Given the constant theme of money and Manziel’s general unwillingness to dispute the fact that he’s loaded, I thought it might be fun to take Jay Z’s F*ckwithmeyouknowIgotit, and rewrite it through the eyes of one Jonathon “Football” Paul Manziel.
If you’re unfamiliar with the song, you can find it here.
I just got a suspension, gig em.
For autographs, like I’m a terrorist, gig em.
People talk I tweet fluent, gig em.
Visor on, I see through it, gig em.
Throw Hooks at me and you’ll lose, gig em. And your coach hates me for sure, gig em.
I don’t bop, I do the money dance.
I see you joining me up in the stands.
Red jersey, see me slide. Heisman bitch, you know I’m bout it.
Heisman bitch, I hope she bout it.
Fuck with me, you know I got it.
Fuck with me, you know I got it.
Fuck with me, you know I got it.
Heisman, bitch I hope she bout it.
Come fuck with me, you know I got it.
Cotton bowl in a dome, gig em.
Manning camp sent me home, gig em.
Vodka bottles, I downed hella.
Money dance with these old fellas.
Throws keep lookin like an arrow, got it.
And you know Evans just caught it, get it.
Back shoulder throw in the end zone, Coach Sumlin just gotta give me credit.
I got GIFS ain’t you seen all the Reddits.
But I’m the best, Sportscenter just said it. Feed off all that negative blah, blah
I beat Bama and the Sooners as a freshman (SKIRT).
The next Kaepernick, yeah I know
But I’d rather be Marino.
Or maybe that guy in Seattle,
I’m kinda like R-G 3 though. Johnny. Football.
On the field at College Station no field goals.
You hate me for getting my dough.
Y’all know, like we know, I got it.
Now, as you’re reading this, I want you to understand something: I am a realistic USC fan. I know USC has problems, such as we have 62 players, and that we probably won’t win the national title. I mean, we have a shot. A damn good one. But since we live in the world where ESPN controls it all things College Football, the moment we drop a game, the moment we aren’t a “championship” team. I’ve seen it. Saw it in 2008. USC lost to Oregon State on Thursday Night where they came out flat. ESPN all season long said that USC wasn’t a “championship” team, even though we had the best defense in college football. Florida, with Jesus Tebow loses the same weekend, but since Jesus makes a speech about how a team will never play as hard as his will, and they play well, they play for the Title because it’s Tim Tebow.
I mean, lets face it. The BCS title isn’t a title. It’s a media opinion on who the best teams in the land are. I honestly think the last two teams to play for a National title was during the 2005 season between USC and Texas. Every year since that, we’ve had debates about who should be in the title. And what do you know? The SEC has won every single debate because according to everyone on ESPN, they play “real” football. It’s kind of funny to hear the Homerisms.
So, where does USC have to with this? Honestly, everything.
USC was ranked #1 in the preseason AP Poll yesterday. Now, I don’t care about polls because I’m a realist, and know polls won’t matter. I get that. But this is hilarious how USC is #1. Let’s think about this for a second. USC has 10-20 less players than everyone else, and has the most talent in the country outside of LSU. It’s incredible, and we must think Lane Kiffin the god for being smart enough to plan the depth chart since Pete (Carroll) did him NO favors on the offensive line.
USC being #1 has SEC Nation mad. (I’m calling the “Southeast” of America, SEC Nation from now on. Folks don’t talk about their team, they talk about the conference and how great it is. It’s actually funny now.) I didn’t realize that USC was crowned National Champs last night. But hey, SEC Nation just wants the SEC to be ranked 1-15 in the AP Poll because they play “real American” football.
Now, today. I was at church, and I got really really bored. So I pulled out my phone and proceeded to go on twitter. As I’m going on twitter, I see an article that Lisa Horne (Fox Sports CFB writer, a pretty damn good one) about a Bama fan talking about USC. Hey, I’m bored, this sermon is boring, so I’ll read it was my thought process.
Here’s the title to this blog:
“Anyone thinking a one-deep roster at USC can go toe to toe with Bama or LSU is on BATH SALTS”
Wait, a minute. Already? Huh?
So, you know, as a SC fan. I’m laughing in the middle of church because I know this is going to be the most bias blog I’ve read in my life. Plus, I know that we’re already in SEC Nation’s head. It’s like they think, “Wait a minute, USC is good again? They have a team who could beat us on the field? Let’s think about them and talk shit about them because we’re scared. YUP.”
I have a couple of friends who are SEC fans, and they always bring up USC. My girlfriend is a LSU fan, and on the low, she brings up USC at times. They know. I know. You’re a wee bit scared. It’s unhealthy to think about a team who you might not play. (That’s why I don’t really give a shit about SEC Nation anymore. We aren’t gonna see them. ESPN wants to protect them. See 2008 as an example of this.)
First paragraph of this blog is funny. Let me just break this shit down one by one so we can all laugh together, and then I’ll leave his twitter account at the end so we can all laugh in his mentions.
Let’s get one thing straight before I launch on this tirade—I am impressed with the shrewd roster management scheme concocted by USC head coach Sith Lord Lane Kiffin. By redshirting half of the last pre-sanctions recruiting class, he essentially doubled the number of incoming playmakers for the 2012 season, which is the first season of bowl eligibility under the sanctions levied in the Bush NCAA scandal.
Tirade? Somebody is mad that their team wasn’t ranked #1 in a preseason poll. I don’t think this dude understands that Alabama has to play Michigan opening weekend, and that if they win, they’ll be #1. It’s not a hard concept to get. Most USC fans know this, and we don’t give a shit. Second, I like the shot taken at Lane Kiffin. That’s so genius. I remember when I took shots at Nick Saban for lying to the Miami Dolphins to take the Alabama job.
This is another SEC Nation fan who is mad that Lane left their beloved conference for a better job. It’s funny to me now. And yes, Lane Kiffin is a genius. I’ve said this for a year and some change now. Dude knows what he’s doing.
But one thing that Kiffin cannot escape is the fact that he still works under a ceiling of 75 scholarships. The combination of limiting initial signers and imposing a scholarship cap is designed to punish a team by putting it at a competitive disadvantage to correct for what was determined to be an improper competitive advantage. It is imposed for roughly the same time period that the advantage was shown to exist.
Yeah, USC has 75 scholarships. Duh. Of course the NCAA is attempting to punish USC. I’ve been saying this for years. It’s hilarious that USC is at a competitive disadvantage and find themselves #1 in the AP Poll. It must hurt your heart, SEC Nation. It stings a bit.
Already, injuries and academic issues have combined to pare Kiffin’s talent pool to about 70. He will not start the season at 75. While the team’s starters are players of unquestionable talent, and while Kiffin has shown a knack for getting the best out his top guys, he is still playing with what is essentially a one-deep roster.
Now this is comedy. The Talent Pool is actually 71 (Assuming guys are fine academically. Which, I think guys are.). Here’s the funny part about USC’s roster though: Outside of Defensive line, it’s not one deep. I didn’t realize that our linebackers, and safeties were one deep. I didn’t know our Tight Ends and receivers are one deep. But since we lost Devon Kennard, one of our best defensive lineman, every position is one deep. Yup. I like this guy already. Makes me feel smarter than I am.
Unless Darth Kiffin can muster some unknown power of the Dark Side, injuries are going to mount and the physical grind of the 12-game regular season will take their toll on even the best conditioned athletes, especially as the team relies on the starters to take more snaps than deeper competition.
First and foremost, comparing Lane Kiffin to Star Wars is fucking hilarious. It’s so funny that I’m actually not laughing.
Second, Injuries happen on every team. Oklahoma was hurt last year when their walk-on running back Dominique Whaley broke his collarbone, and then when star Wideout Ryan Broyles tore his acl late in the year. Florida State lost their wide receivers last year. I agree with you on this point how one injury could ruin USC’s chance to win it all. But that injury has to occur on the defensive line again. We already lost Kennard and his backup. If we lose one more guy, it’s all over. I get it. But why are you wishing injury on a college football team? Is College Football THAT important that you want guys on a team you hate, but think about, hurt?
The odds of a one-deep roster surviving intact and producing at or above expectations are extremely small. The only time in recent memory that we’ve seen such a phenomenon was the 2010 Auburn team.
USC isn’t one deep except for defensive line. And of course he had to bring up an SEC team that was “one-deep.” That team wasn’t one deep. That team had two good players (One of them should have been ineligible because his dad not only attempted to get paid for his services, he might have gotten something underneath) and the rest were decent enough college players to win a title. Teams aren’t one deep. Teams are usually two-deep at everything.
Barkley is a great QB and is a surefire No. 1 overall pick in the 2013 Draft. But as good as he is, he’s no Cam Newton. If he’s playing in November behind a makeshift offensive line and throwing to backup WR’s, he probably won’t make the trip to New York for the Heisman ceremony.
Matt Barkley is Matt Barkley.
Cam Newton was a freak of nature who was great.
But… Barkley threw for almost 4,000 yards. 39 TDs. 7 ints. Had a better season than Andrew Luck. And this was without a conference title game, and a bowl game. Let’s think about this for a minute.
39 TDs. 7 ints. With a “makeshift” offensive line. YUP. YOU GOT ME THERE BRO!
Auburn and USC run two completely different offensives. Seeing how most of our offensive line has played in a game, I think we’ll be okay there personally. Consider this, SEC Nation fan. Robert Woods played on a broken ankle last season and caught 111 passes. Marqise Lee had a banged up shoulder and finished the season playing like he was at USC for 3 years. I’m pretty sure these guys will be fine in November. Barkley gonna be in NYC, and it’ll hurt your heart.
Contrast this situation with the other two teams in the top 3 of the major polls—Alabama and LSU. The three teams are essentially 1a, 1b and 1c, with quite a drop to get to No. 4. Look over the rosters of all three of these teams and it’s obvious who’s the sick man in that group.
Yes, all three of these teams have a case to be #1 in the polls. Wanna know what’s funny? You’re writing this because Alabama isn’t #1 in the AP Poll nor the coaches poll. And like I said before, yes, we have 62 guys, but we’re two deep everywhere, three deep in some spots. So, it’s not truly obvious who’s the sick man in the group.
Let’s be completely real here also, though. Alabama/LSU/USC have a problem. Alabama has to replace their defense. LSU has to replace Mathieu, and can they actually not only move the ball down the field on offense, who’s gonna be their playmaker? But yup, USC is the only team with a problem. I see.
If I recall though, Alabama lost most of their NFL defense to the draft, and has to go to Tiger Stadium in November. Oh. My bad. Let me not bring that up to you. So maybe, your team, is the sick team in the group. Oh so sad. So sad.
If the Trojans somehow survive the 2012 schedule relatively healthy and win the conference title, they will be served up for slaughter by whoever emerges from the Southeastern Conference. Right now, the two teams with the best chances of that have starters that are at least as talented at every position. But the key difference between either the Tide or the Tigers vs. the Trojans is depth.
We’ll be served up for slaughter? So, hold up. You’re gonna tell me that a South Carolina, Arkansas, and Georgia would murder us in Miami?
I agree with you about depth. That’s an issue that won’t go away. but got damn, you brought it up the whole entire time. If anything, talk about how much you hate USC.
Neither team carries the limitation of 75 scholarship players, and both are expected to be at or perhaps slightly below the 85-man limit. Both also feature absolutely ferocious defenses, with only slight drop-offs between the starters and the backups to the backups. These guys are loaded.
Okay, sure. LSU and Alabama has more players. That’s your argument. That’s all you’ve been saying, and you’ve barely brought up any points about any other issues with the USC Trojans. Wanna know why? Because you don’t know anything about USC’s program except for what they say on College Football Live. The only “ferocious” defense that I can honestly say that I’m afraid of is LSU’s. Their back 7 (even without Honey Badger) is legit as fuck. Bama? Not so much. Here’s the thing, Alabama lost most of their guys off of that NFL Defense. You wanna tell me that guys who haven’t made a huge impact are gonna make an impact that quickly? Is it the Nick Saban rule we have out here? “Oh my god! Nick Saban is God. He can do no wrong on our defense. We’ll be fine.” That sounds like something I said around 2009 about the USC Trojans.
Matt Barkley sent a couple of tweets last year during the title game saying how Lane and him could have torched both secondaries. If a Quarterback knows that he can score some points on a team, then we both know that it’ll happen.
Sure, the drop-off is slight. But SC has slight drop off too. “These Guys are loaded.” I’m sorry, that makes me laugh, a little bit too hard. Let me get back on my couch and begin to get serious for a minute.
Put even a remarkably fortunate one-deep USC team on the field against either Alabama or LSU in the 14th game of the season and the result will be a bloodbath not seen since Nero played the fiddle.
I keep saying this but USC isn’t one deep. Last I checked, the National title game is played in January. You actually get a month off to rest. If you think a USC team with that offensive talent, and the talent in the back 7 will be a bloodbath, then I’m sorry for you. I really am. And it’s okay bro. You’re writing this because you’re mad that USC is #1 in the country in the AP Poll. (And don’t give me that, “you’re writing this because I addressed the depth issue” shit. No, I’m writing this to mock your dumbass because it’s funny.)
If you heroically disagree that USC is a one-deep team, answer this: Can a two-deep USC team compete with a three-deep SEC team? “Maybe,” you say?
Yes. We can compete with the SEC. If Oregon could with their small ass offensive/defensive line against Auburn in 2010, then why can’t we? Oh that’s right. Lane Kiffin is the coach of USC. Plus, it’s USC. You hate USC and won’t give USC any credit at all. I get it, bro. I get it. SEC Nation is mad. Fine. Boo hoo. Cry me a river. USC is #1 in the AP Poll and your team is not.
In the game of football, contests are won and lost at the line of scrimmage. This is especially true in the college game and when you’re playing against an SEC squad, that rule is brutally and ruthlessly enforced. Up front is where attrition occurs and where depth issues are exposed.
News flash, buddy. The only team that lost the game at the line of scrimmage against an SEC school was Ohio State. I think the word “depth” is your favorite word. I think you’ve used it at least 40 times. But it’s okay. I forgive you. Attrition occurs on every team last I checked. But I get it.
In 2005, an essentially one-deep Alabama team ran off nine straight wins against a relatively easy schedule, only to have its weaknesses up front exposed by deeper LSU and Auburn teams en route to Mike Shula’s only 10-win season.
Cool story bro. I’m going to assume that you think USC’s schedule is “easy” because we don’t play in the SEC. YUP. I’m going to also assume that you think Lane Kiffin is Mike Shula. Which is just hilarious. I don’t even think Alabama was one deep that year personally. I don’t really remember it because I’ll admit, I was watching USC score 1 million points that season. Shit, I don’t even know who was even on that Alabama team. I can admit it. A lot of people can’t admit this about USC though. Especially this year.
The front seven of either the 2012 Alabama or LSU teams would pitch a tent and build a campfire in the Trojan backfield, and the Neanderball offenses would pulverize an increasingly tired and thin Trojan front. Barkley will be running for his life under pursuit of Mingo and Trojan linebackers will suddenly fall down in front of Jalston Fowler.
You seem so confident in this. A campfire in the Trojan Backfield? I guess Matt Barkley could treat your back 7 like lunch. Mingo is legit. I know this. But you act like Lane Kiffin isn’t going to prepare his team to compete. I’ll say this about our front. We play Oregon this year. Could play them twice. If we don’t get worn down against their offense…….. well, we’ll be fine.
I guess Hayes Pollard is gonna die in front of Jalston Fowler? Who the fuck is that, b? Oh, another Alabama running back that’s supposed to be like Richardson and Ingram? Word. I see.
Anyone who thinks that Kiffin’s Trojans can go toe-to-toe for four quarters against either of the SEC’s best and come out on top is smoking some of what the Honey Badger was having.
My bad man. I’m baked writing this. Forgive me.
But really, for 4 quarters, USC could easily compete.
But hey, SEC Nation thinks they are the greatest, and they should. They’ve won 6 straight titles. But don’t think another team can’t compete with your conference. But, since I’m on bath salts right now, I’m gonna go eat someone’s face real quick.
Do I think USC will win it all? Well, I haven’t seen this team compete on the field yet in order to get a feel about how good this team is. But I do think that as of right now, we have as good of a shot to win it all. But hey, maybe I’m just too much of a fan. I just find it funny how everyone in America is focused on USC while USC fans aren’t focused on you. We’re focused on our team because at the end of the day, it’s all about the prep, not the hype.
I had a debate with a SEC/Tennessee fan who is still salty about Lane Kiffin leaving their conference/team for USC.
Look at the picture above. Lane is giving the “awkwardly” smile, while his wife (God bless that bunny, Lawd) is smiling without knowing why she’s smiling.
Now, I’m not going to defend Mr. Kiffin for leaving Tennessee in a douche fashion for my favorite team because it was cold, heartless, and sad. (I laughed while typing that. #KoldGame) But at the end of the day, it’s gonna be 3 football seasons since Mr. Kiffin has left Tennessee. Tennessee fans laughed at our 8-5 record in 2010 saying all sorts of junk about how Lane is a scumbag (which, I don’t know if I can say right now, at the moment), how Lane can’t coach (We’ll get to this in a second), and to how the USC program would be setback to at least 5 years with not only the sanctions, but with him as a coach (I’m literally laughing at these comments now).
Fast forward to 2012.
The preseason poll hasn’t came out yet, but I’m going to assume in my arrogant fashion (Thanks to Zack Jerome, the founder of Arrogant Nation) that USC will be in the top 1. Yes, I said it. The top 1. The #1 team in the land in the preseason. (What’s 10 wins on a year of a bowl ban to a motherfucker like me, can you please remind me? That’s what Lane Kiffin is telling his haters.) But now, I think it’s confirmed that Lane’s arrogance is on a whole ‘nother level.
Kiff is taking “backlash” (I put that in quotes because I feel like it’s not backlash, it’s fake outrage because Lane Kiffin outsmarted the NCAA and folks don’t want to see him succeed in anyway possible) because of his recruitment of Silas Redd, the new USC running back. But hey, flashback to June 2010 where USC players were free agents. Was their any “faux outrage” when Vidal Hazelton left USC? How about when Travon Patterson? Nah? You see where I’m going with this.
At least, Lane arrogantly had the respect to call newly Penn State coach Bill O’Brien. I mean, can you imagine how the conversation went?
Lane: “Hey, Bill. Fuck you, fuck the Patriots, and I’m gonna recruit your best running back. Not only will I recruit him, I’ll get him to come to USC.”
Bill: Wait, what are you speaking of?
Lane: I’ll be at Silas’ house in 3 days, tough break for you, huh?
Bill: I hate you. *hangs up*
See that? Lane is so arrogant that he flew 6 assistant coaches to Redd’s house in Connecticut (?) to show him a powerpoint on USC, and what his role would be on offense. Not to mention to tell him that he’s playing with the 2012 Heisman Trophy winner, Matthew Barkley. What does Penn State have going for them right now? (Rhetorical question, don’t even bother answering.)
That’s besides the point anyway. Back on track to where this blog is headed.
I wake up at 3 pm after a 5 hour nap, and as I check my phone, I see that it’s 3:17 in the afternoon. I also see that I get a text from ESPN (Don’t laugh nigga, I get all the information before you do) that Redd and his father announced that he was going to USC. I’m thinking, “Well, this nigga was out in SoCal hanging out with Woody (Robert Woods, #2) and Barks all weekend, plus its SoCal.” So, then in the mist of my twitter “break,” I log in to twitter and find that Silas Redd and USC is trending. As I’m going into the tag, I see nothing but scorn and hate about how “Lane Kiffin is a doucher”, “USC will lose 4 games this year (That prediction is so wrong, that is so ridiculously hilarious to me), or my favorite from Oregon fans: “We’ll still beat you twice.” (Before the summer ends, Oregon and Washington fans will be addressed because they need to be addressed. I think Oregon fans have a short memory of what happened in Autzen last season, but I digress.)
But then, I happened to see this tweet.
I don’t live in SoCal, but I found this very very very hilarious to me.
I happened to RT (Retweet for those who don’t have twitter) and just said, You mad bro, it’s okay.
He responds with this, and I kid you not:
I thought this was about Tennessee’s “successful” program compared to USC’s program. But now, since your program is trash right now (Can’t confirm or deny this is Lane’s fault *snickers*), you want to claim SEC’s success instead your program’s success like you stated in your earlier tweet. Yup, makes complete sense. Complete sense.
And then it becomes predictable:
Yup, USC lost the 2004 BCS title, but since the AP still claims the title, this is very much pointless at this point. I usually don’t entertain idiots, but I was in that mood to do so today. Most people in the north/south/east/west don’t even know what happened at USC, and then when you proceed to tell them the story, they still don’t get it. Don’t get mad that Lane Kiffin goes into “SEC” country (since they play the best football in the SEC, rumor has it. I guess so, winning 6 straight BCS titles is no joke, even though Florida lucked out in 2006 because USC lost to UCLOL, and nobody wanted to see a rematch between Ohio State and Michigan. Which is funny how this all turned out in 2011 when “SEC” homers ESPN were claiming for a snoozefest rematch with Bama and LSU.) and takes your best players. That’s not my fault, bro. I’m just a fan.
I told his dude that USC is a better coaching job than Tennessee, and a lot of people would agree with me. Why?
USC’s tradition is unmatched in college football outside of Alabama, Oklahoma, and Notre Dame. What’s the difference at these programs with USC?
You’re in Southern California.
At this point, I wanted to laugh at this dude.
Think about it. USC is gonna be in the top 1 in the preseason poll. Now, I agree with him that Lane messed up their program in a big way. I’m sorry it happened, but don’t get mad at him for leaving for USC. Clearly, it’s a better job. If it wasn’t, Kiff wouldn’t have left Tennessee. Folks are so quick to jump on the fact that Lane failed in Oakland (Wasn’t his fault, Al Davis, god rest his soul didn’t even give Lane a chance to prosper), and 2009, Lane shot his mouth off because he had to get some type of attention to the ailing Tennessee program. I mean, let’s think about it. Any type of dude with a brain isn’t gonna shoot his mouth off at Urban Meyer, just for no reason.
(The funny thing about Urban Meyer is that, he, in himself, is what “SEC” homers claim Lane Kiffin is. Except Urban won because he had Jesus running around throwing wobbly spirals, and using the “truck stick” on them SEC linebackers. Funny how when Tebow graduates, Urban has one bad year at Florida, and then announces his “retirement.” Hmmm. Back to the point at hand.)
So now, in the mist of this conversation, he finally gets back to Tennessee football. Since we’re all supposed to know it.
So, I looked up Tennessee’s football history, and it’s very dry. 6 national titles, i don’t even know how many heisman titles, and they have a fewer winning percentage than USC.
This guy was in such denial about it, that he said this:
True, you have more all-time wins. Wanna know why? USC had to vacate 2 wins in the 04 season, and all of 2005. That’s 14 wins, making that win total to 793, plus that would make the winning percentage even higher. I didn’t know more wins meant you were automatically a better program. That’s like UCLA basketball telling Carolina and Kentucky basketball that they have a better program because they have more wins overall. 2nd, the school claims 11 national titles. In reality, the 2004 national title isn’t vacated, and it shouldn’t have been vacated. Wanna know why? That whole Reggie Bush situation happened after the 2004 season. Most people don’t realize this. Plus, not to mention, the AP still claims USC as their national champion in 2004. I didn’t realize the heisman is a joke. Maybe because nobody at Tennessee can win it. (Charles Woodson, anyone?!)
The school claims 11. In reality, any team can claim a national title. Tennessee claims 6. USC happens to claim 11.
Then, of course, like every fanbase in the country, he says this:
Yup, I’m gonna regret a guy who brings in top recruiting classes year in and year out, and won 10 games in a probation year, and bringing the program back with swagger and arrogance. Yup. I’m gonna regret this guy:
If Lane Kiffin got up and left USC to coach in the NFL, I wouldn’t be mad at him.
In fact, I’d make sure USC fans had a “Lane Kiffin Appreciation Day.”
Lane can coach. In fact, he can coach damn well (Go watch USC/Oregon and you’ll catch my drift).
I find it hilarious that SEC fans talk about USC. Nobody on the West Coast is focused on them. They claim they hate USC, but yet, find themselves commenting in USC highlight videos talking about how much you hate USC. If you hate a team so much, why do you talk about them? It doesn’t make sense to me, at all. But hey, I’m just a black kid, who lives in the Seattle area, who happens to be a USC fan. Tell you what, SEC fans. Be happy I gave you this attention in this blog because right now, I’m focused on Hawaii, and how Kiff the gawd will prepare us for a national title run.