I promise you, I’m not crazy.

Depression is a real thing. I’ve never been like this before. Not many know I’m facing this, and I don’t want people to like, know about it, until now.

I knew something was wrong with me weeks ago. Mentally, I wasn’t myself. I was having crazy mood swings and lashing out on people, and either crying myself to sleep or drinking heavy just to sleep and hide the pain.

As a person, I dealt with a lot in 2017, especially in the latter half with the loss of my grandpa. On the outside, you see someone who can fake a smile, but that’s just a face to keep. I’ve been doing that since the beginning of time. Everybody has their own personal demons that they’re faced with and for me, I keep a lot bottled in and I’m 95 percent never honest with anyone.

Everyone deals with events differently. I haven’t coped with my grandpa dying yet because the void of losing a father figure is there. At first, I shrugged it off because it didn’t hit me. It hit me that my papa wasn’t here anymore at the end of October while I was calling home. When you’re consistently busy with school and work, you rarely have a moment where you have that free time to think. I found that moment where it clicked and it triggered instantly. Since then, I can’t lie to you, it’s been fake happiness.

There are days where I just sit and cry while drinking a four to six cans of miller lite in a hour, which isn’t normal or healthy. But that’s how I numb the pain of it. There are also days where I just sleep all day, not because I’m this lazy figure of a person (it actually bothers me that people think I’m lazy), but because I don’t have the energy to do anything. I’m not proud to admit that, but it is what it is. Social media is a great place to mask things. I post a lot of pictures on Instagram that show the happy side because why send a selfie on the internet with you in tears at 2 AM?

There are times where I lash out at people and I don’t mean anything by it. But the words that I’ve said to those have probably cost me friendships, which leads me to have regret over things and hopefully, maybe one day, they’ll understand how truly sorry I am that I hurt them and ultimately, forgive me. 

I know there are people out there who are in the same shoes as me – People who are depressed and probably do more than what I do – either taking drugs or drinking heavy loads of alcohol to help cope with it, or ultimately, killing themselves because that’s the only thing they know how to do. I’m not writing this for sympathy or attention. There are plenty of other things I could do in life to get those things.

Two reasons why I’m writing this – One, for me to be self-aware on my life, and to realize that I’m not this superhuman. I’m human and I need some help.  Two, I want people who could be in this position to know that they aren’t alone in this regardless of what others say and think about you.

For myself, it’s finding a professional just to talk to, which I’m gonna strive to do in a week or two. Learning that people aren’t alone in this struggle makes me feel a little better. My goals this year is to be more honest with myself and other people about life, and to find something everyday that makes me happy. Writing this helps.

It’s one step and day at a time. I know days will be hard still, but the biggest thing I’ve learned in the last week or so is talking it out. I’ll be okay in the long run. 

Thanks for reading.

Hmm….

What an interesting day where I had room to actually do activities!  (Stepbrothers reference if you have NO idea what I mean.) 

It kinda sucked at first because I had to say goodbye to my best friend, and it’s weird because Jared and I didn’t really become real real close until about freshman year. But when I need something in life, just someone to talk to, whether it’s about life, or sports, or just anything, he’s always there for me.

And now, he’s gone. For a couple of months. Like, I’ve talked to Jared everyday for the past 3 years. Of all of the friends I have in the world, he’s probably the closest one I’ll have for life. 

Anyway, After going to see him, I decided to hit up the gym to shoot some hoops. Playing basketball in a gym is a real peaceful place for me just to clear my head about this stupid ass girl situation, and other things. 

I really wish I was 6’2 in high school. Like, being somewhat tall seeing how I was a small 5’11 kid for all my four years. I mean, If I were 6’2 as a sophomore or junior in high school, I’d be playing college basketball right now. 

Real talk. 

I’m not even saying that because I think I’m good or shit, but damn, I think I can play with anybody. 

Most guys love playing with me. 

Why?

Because they call me the #PointGod

Yes, you read that right. 

#PointGod.

Make or miss, I usually push the tempo, throw long passes, and guys get layups…. except for the last game we played, which was a loss.

This white dude, god blessed him, missed 3 straight layups after I fed him, then I somehow missed the game-winner with the ball going halfway down, then some dude hits a jumper on the white dude. 

I’ve never been so frustrated in a game in my life, but it’s all right.

It’s for fun. 

But after that, 

watched some of the Rose Bowl and the Fiesta Bowl on a day where College Football truly shined. 

As a USC fan, I know we’re on probation, but I love the sport. 

But even after having a good day,

I can’t get my mind off of this girl.

It sucks that she likes another guy who’s in a relationship, and she happens not to tell me, but I guess that’s how the ball works. 

Right?

I mean, it’s one of those things where things happen, but oh well. I just wish she would of told me instead of me having some type of feelings for her.

But that’s the way the game works.

One of these days, 

something might go right for me.