I promise you, I’m not crazy.

Depression is a real thing. I’ve never been like this before. Not many know I’m facing this, and I don’t want people to like, know about it, until now.

I knew something was wrong with me weeks ago. Mentally, I wasn’t myself. I was having crazy mood swings and lashing out on people, and either crying myself to sleep or drinking heavy just to sleep and hide the pain.

As a person, I dealt with a lot in 2017, especially in the latter half with the loss of my grandpa. On the outside, you see someone who can fake a smile, but that’s just a face to keep. I’ve been doing that since the beginning of time. Everybody has their own personal demons that they’re faced with and for me, I keep a lot bottled in and I’m 95 percent never honest with anyone.

Everyone deals with events differently. I haven’t coped with my grandpa dying yet because the void of losing a father figure is there. At first, I shrugged it off because it didn’t hit me. It hit me that my papa wasn’t here anymore at the end of October while I was calling home. When you’re consistently busy with school and work, you rarely have a moment where you have that free time to think. I found that moment where it clicked and it triggered instantly. Since then, I can’t lie to you, it’s been fake happiness.

There are days where I just sit and cry while drinking a four to six cans of miller lite in a hour, which isn’t normal or healthy. But that’s how I numb the pain of it. There are also days where I just sleep all day, not because I’m this lazy figure of a person (it actually bothers me that people think I’m lazy), but because I don’t have the energy to do anything. I’m not proud to admit that, but it is what it is. Social media is a great place to mask things. I post a lot of pictures on Instagram that show the happy side because why send a selfie on the internet with you in tears at 2 AM?

There are times where I lash out at people and I don’t mean anything by it. But the words that I’ve said to those have probably cost me friendships, which leads me to have regret over things and hopefully, maybe one day, they’ll understand how truly sorry I am that I hurt them and ultimately, forgive me. 

I know there are people out there who are in the same shoes as me – People who are depressed and probably do more than what I do – either taking drugs or drinking heavy loads of alcohol to help cope with it, or ultimately, killing themselves because that’s the only thing they know how to do. I’m not writing this for sympathy or attention. There are plenty of other things I could do in life to get those things.

Two reasons why I’m writing this – One, for me to be self-aware on my life, and to realize that I’m not this superhuman. I’m human and I need some help.  Two, I want people who could be in this position to know that they aren’t alone in this regardless of what others say and think about you.

For myself, it’s finding a professional just to talk to, which I’m gonna strive to do in a week or two. Learning that people aren’t alone in this struggle makes me feel a little better. My goals this year is to be more honest with myself and other people about life, and to find something everyday that makes me happy. Writing this helps.

It’s one step and day at a time. I know days will be hard still, but the biggest thing I’ve learned in the last week or so is talking it out. I’ll be okay in the long run. 

Thanks for reading.

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I’m tired. 

First off, I forgot I had a WordPress. I haven’t written a blog on here in about a year. Wild. 

Anyway. I guess I came back here because I can’t write this on my tumblr. Not because it’s another blog site but because I use that for personal things. Right now, right here, on this blog site, this is needed. 

It’s been a long week. I’m actually writing this on the bus because I was gonna write this at work but my laptop crashed yet again. That’s besides the point. 

I apologize ahead of time for the language. 

I’m tired. If you’re an American, you should be tired. I just happen to be a black American and it’s double the tired.  It’s the same shit different week. I’m tired of black men being a hashtag, and then tired of how the media makes black men guilty by dying at routine traffic stops. If you call yourself an American, you should be tired of this too. 

I’m tired of people telling me how to feel about this shit. Don’t tell me how to feel about people dying. Don’t tell me to be silent because you want to ignore and be oblivious to it. 

I’m tired of people saying all lives matter because they don’t want to say black people who aren’t entertainers, athletes etc., to matter. That’s not how this works anymore. We get it. Shit, when I get it. Yes, all lives matter. But that can’t happen unless you simply look at the damn picture and see that black lives aren’t being valued at the same rate as everyone else. You’d think with the amount of people who sit and claim that all lives matter, they’d actually stop being hypocrites. 

I’m tired of how law enforcement officials take offense to people being afraid of them. It goes back to the silence. If you know something is wrong, speak up. We have voices for a reason. 

I’m tired of the unnecessary violence this week. It sickens me that those officers lost their lives just like I was sick when two black people are dead this week. These people have families. Kids. It’s disgusting. 

I’m tired of how people want to pick sides over it. Black life matters. We do need law enforcement. That being said, we need to hold these people accountable.  Killing someone for sport is barbaric. Not being charged for public execution and being put on paid leave is outrageous. Heads up, it’s totally okay to say black lives matter and that we need law enforcement. If only law enforcement members wouldn’t be afraid of black people to where pulling your gun out to intimidate us while we’re complying. Which makes me even more tired that these cowards call themselves officers. 

I used to have hope that things would change in America. I used to think that people would look at me as a black man, a person who is just as ambitious, motivated, and eager to take on the world just like everyone else. Turns out, a certain section of America sees me as a threat. A threat to their “perfect” world. That’s the tiring thing of all. 

So what is this generation gonna do? We gonna accept this as the norm and not give a shit until something happens to people who aren’t PoC? Are we gonna accept that we need to value every life like the all lives matter crowd keeps speaking about in their hypocrisy? Are we gonna actually have the conversation about  or is this one of those things where some of y’all won’t give damn about any of this next month? 

Whatever we do, it’ll impact the next generation. And the generation after that. If you want our children  and our children’s children to live in a world where we spew how everyone is equal, then let’s do something. Until then, I’m tired. Be better. Stop being ignorant. 

Vanessa Bryant… stop it

Smh

First and foremost, I’d pipe Vanessa Bryant. In fact, I’d pipe a lot, and maybe leave it in one time just to see what could happen to my fame.

But, since I don’t have what she wants, she wouldn’t let me.

Vanessa Bryant, you just  need to shut that shit up dog, otherwise known as #STSUD. (Shoutout to the homie, Kevin aka @klew24 aka fake James Harden for coming up with this on twitter).

What does Vanessa want from a NBA Player?

I certainly would not want to be married to somebody that can’t win championships. If you’re sacrificing time away from my family and myself for the benefit of winning championships, then winning a championship should happen every single year.

Wait a damn minute Vanessa.

I KNOW A-ROD

Is this why you were gonna file for divorce from Bean? I mean, if that’s the case, it makes sense. You were gonna go sleep with Russell Westbrook, or Kevin Durant since Bron/Wade/Bosh are taken? Damnit, Vanessa.

My dude Micah (@thatdudemicah) and I had this discussion when she filed for divorce. I remember him saying something about if Kobe was cheating this whole time, “why did you stick around?” And it hits me now, Vanessa stuck with Kobe over that whole rape case shit.

Stuck with him because they had GP, Malone, and Shaq? SWERVE

Vanessa stuck with Bean through not making the playoffs in 2005, the first round exits in 2006/07, and then since Bean adds two more titles in his collection, she got a little too big headed and didn’t care when he was stroking his penis in other heauxs around the country.

But since the Lakers have gone through a “dryspell” of winning titles, Vanessa was #FEDUP with Kobe getting up to “grandpa” age in basketball years, and other teams becoming better in the league (Hello, Miami, Oklahoma City), you wanted to leave the dude because he couldn’t get a title.

The irony of this quote from Vanessa is hilarious to me. She just happens to make this quote after the Lakers acquired Dwight (Or as I call him #TheWhite) Howard in a 4 team deal last week.  So now, you know that ol Bean could possibly make a couple of more runs at a title before he leaves the game? Is that why you didn’t care that Kobe was sleeping with that Aussie Swimmer? My god, you can’t fool me Vanessa.

So you gonna let Kobe move back in with you in the mansions? (Why did Kobe buy three mansions? Better yet, why did Kobe marry a Mexican without a prenup? Is he that stupid?) Are you gonna not care that Kobe will most likely cheat? Or will you actually divorce Kobe when the Lakers lose in the Western Conference Finals?

These are just questions, Vanessa.

Answer when you’re ready.

-Shaun

 

 

Dj Khaled, why bro?

You know who I’m slowly starting to get fed up with?

Dj Khaled.

What a lame

Why?

For a guy who has a lot of “albums” with a bunch of rappers on them, you actually have to rap on them, not just have a bunch of rappers + Akon around rapping for you.

All Dj Khaled says (I’m not sure if says is the right word because he yells the same thing over and over in every song) “DJ Khaled, WE THE BEST, NIGGA, WE THE BEST.”

Then, he drops in while someone is rapping, and is all like, “Khaled, we the best.”

No comment

First off,

A “rapper” named Sean Puffy P.Diddy Puff Daddy Diddy Combs (I don’t know what he wants to be called anymore. Pretty soon, he’s gonna call himself Ciroc Obama. Oh wait, that lame ass nigga already did that back in 2008. Which was funny, but wack. But back to Khaled.) already has done this back in the mid 90s, and he, unlike you DJ Khaled, made it hot enough where folks like myself will just say “take that take that” for the fun of it while listening to Notorious B.I.G. (RIP biggie, talk to Craig Mack for me in heaven, oh wait, what?)

But now, Mr. Khaled, you’re attempting to steal the swag of a don. Well, Diddy isn’t a don. In fact, like I said before, Diddy is a wack nigga. But Khaled, you’re the wackest nigga ever.

I don’t understand how you can have an album when you don’t even rap on the album.

See, Diddy rapped on his albums. I mean, outside of D.I.D.D.Y. (produced by the god of gods Pharrell), his songs, let alone albums were terrible. The only reason folks listened to Diddy because he dance ridiculously stupid in videos, he created the biggest coonery on television when he did Making The Band, and he’s made all of his artists disappear into Narnia.

Dj Khaled?

You wanna hear DJ Khaled rap?

Just watch this video.

LMFAO HE HAS A MIC IN HIS HAND

You hear how trash that was?

Don’t let the “yes men” in the room fool you.

Rick Ross was all hyped because he finally heard someone spit worse bars than himself. (When I typed that line, I grunted. 

)

I had to do some research on that song Mr. Khaled went and “spit” his wack bars, and the song was just as trash as his bars.

DONT GIVE ME THIS LOOK WACK NIGGA

Who gave Khaled permission to say Nigga?

I mean, I thought you had to be at least a good enough non-black athlete, rapper, actor, etc within the black community to say this established word.

Last I checked, wack niggas aren’t cool.

How can you claim to have your own songs on your “albums” when your “albums” are a whole bunch of features?

That’s copyright. Wack nigga.

Khaled, I’m trying to help you prosper from not being a wack nigga. In fact, your wackness might have rubbed off on Ross (He was already wack anyway, but he’s terribly wack).

I mean, do you have to say the same things over and over on every song? Pharrell did a whole bunch of hits for Jay-Z and he didn’t come on saying the same shit. Timbaland has been doing this for years, and he doesn’t come on a record saying “TIMBO” on every damn track he happens to produce.

Dj Khaled is basically a wack version of Swizz Beatz. Both are lames, but Swizz is currently piping Alicia Keys, so I’m not even gonna debate this, and therefore, Swizz Beatz can be wack.

A.I. is shocked b

Uncle Joey is telling you to cut it out DJ Khaled.

He’s not the only one though.

As  a fan of music, I’m telling you to cut it out.

Give it up.

Produce the song.

Stop yelling “WE THE BEST.” It’s we’re the best. Or, we are the best, nigga.

I’m just trying to help you Dj.

Wait, what?

-Shaun