I promise you, I’m not crazy.

Depression is a real thing. I’ve never been like this before. Not many know I’m facing this, and I don’t want people to like, know about it, until now.

I knew something was wrong with me weeks ago. Mentally, I wasn’t myself. I was having crazy mood swings and lashing out on people, and either crying myself to sleep or drinking heavy just to sleep and hide the pain.

As a person, I dealt with a lot in 2017, especially in the latter half with the loss of my grandpa. On the outside, you see someone who can fake a smile, but that’s just a face to keep. I’ve been doing that since the beginning of time. Everybody has their own personal demons that they’re faced with and for me, I keep a lot bottled in and I’m 95 percent never honest with anyone.

Everyone deals with events differently. I haven’t coped with my grandpa dying yet because the void of losing a father figure is there. At first, I shrugged it off because it didn’t hit me. It hit me that my papa wasn’t here anymore at the end of October while I was calling home. When you’re consistently busy with school and work, you rarely have a moment where you have that free time to think. I found that moment where it clicked and it triggered instantly. Since then, I can’t lie to you, it’s been fake happiness.

There are days where I just sit and cry while drinking a four to six cans of miller lite in a hour, which isn’t normal or healthy. But that’s how I numb the pain of it. There are also days where I just sleep all day, not because I’m this lazy figure of a person (it actually bothers me that people think I’m lazy), but because I don’t have the energy to do anything. I’m not proud to admit that, but it is what it is. Social media is a great place to mask things. I post a lot of pictures on Instagram that show the happy side because why send a selfie on the internet with you in tears at 2 AM?

There are times where I lash out at people and I don’t mean anything by it. But the words that I’ve said to those have probably cost me friendships, which leads me to have regret over things and hopefully, maybe one day, they’ll understand how truly sorry I am that I hurt them and ultimately, forgive me. 

I know there are people out there who are in the same shoes as me – People who are depressed and probably do more than what I do – either taking drugs or drinking heavy loads of alcohol to help cope with it, or ultimately, killing themselves because that’s the only thing they know how to do. I’m not writing this for sympathy or attention. There are plenty of other things I could do in life to get those things.

Two reasons why I’m writing this – One, for me to be self-aware on my life, and to realize that I’m not this superhuman. I’m human and I need some help.  Two, I want people who could be in this position to know that they aren’t alone in this regardless of what others say and think about you.

For myself, it’s finding a professional just to talk to, which I’m gonna strive to do in a week or two. Learning that people aren’t alone in this struggle makes me feel a little better. My goals this year is to be more honest with myself and other people about life, and to find something everyday that makes me happy. Writing this helps.

It’s one step and day at a time. I know days will be hard still, but the biggest thing I’ve learned in the last week or so is talking it out. I’ll be okay in the long run. 

Thanks for reading.

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