Predictions that’ll be so wrong, they’ll be so right

The beginning of the NFL Season is today with the Denver Broncos hosting the Super Bowl Champions Baltimore Ravens (I thought the Super Bowl team always got a home opener on a Thursday night…… I’m still confused by this).

Yes, finally, the NFL is back into our lives. Even though Roger Goodell is taking the fun out of it with these ridiculous rules about how you can’t celebrate (my boy QB #2 for Texas A&M isn’t pleased for his future), it’s still the NFL. It’s back into our lives as Sundays are finally complete.  In a year of unpredictable events, I managed to give full predictions on everything except for All-Pro teams (Nobody got time to read that).  These are my predictions, and if I don’t pick your team, don’t feel bad. I’m a Jets fan. We stink on purpose. (Not really on purpose, but look at the Jets roster, then look at yours. My point exactly.) But here you go.

AFC Predictions:

AFC West:

1. Denver Broncos

Wes Welker came to Denver and brought “The Patriot Way” to Von Miller, huh?

2. Kansas City Chiefs

Jamaal Charles (and his fantasy owners) will love Andy Reid, and captain checkdown’s president Alex Smith.

3. San Diego Chargers

Remember when there was debate about how Phillip Rivers was a top 5 quarterback? Man, man, man.

4. Oakland Raiders

Matt Flynn lost another job to a lightskin quarterback. Smh.

AFC South:

1. Houston Texans

But will they finally get over the “hump?”

2. Indianapolis Colts

Andrew Luck won 11 games with no run game last year, and still lost Rookie of the Year to RG3 because he loses everything to him. See: Heisman 2011.

3. Tennessee Titans

Chris Johnson said he’s gonna run for 2,000 yards again. *winks eyes* Okay, Chris.

4. Jacksonville Jaguars

“Cecil Shorts is a terrible name.” – My cousin Chauntelle. Terrible name for a terrible team that is playing most of its games in London.

AFC North:

1. Cincinnati Bengals

I didn’t know Marvin Lewis still had a job until I watched Hard Knocks. Andy Dalton, it’s time to you know, yeah. *looks at his wife* I see. Take your time.

2. Baltimore Ravens

NO WEAPON!

3. Pittsburgh Steelers

Mike Tomlin should have asked his long lost brother Kevin Sumlin how to stop the read option.

4. Cleveland Browns

Brandon Weeden  isn’t bad, but he’s still my white #grandpa though.

AFC East:

1. New England Patriots

Murders and wild parties from your Tight Ends, while your future Hall of Fame Quarterback changes his hairstyle like the girls who say “new year, new me” every New Year’s. The Patriot Way is so great.

2. Miami Dolphins

People watch Miami games just to see Ryan Tannehill’s wife.

3. New York Jets

No receivers. Aging Defense. Hardly a quarterback. Mark Sanchez went from the golden boy to buttfumbler in a year. #GOAT

4. Buffalo Bills

Stevie Johnson is gonna blame God when the Bills win 4 games this year. Watch.

AFC Playoff Predictions:

1. Houston Texans 2. Denver Broncos 3. Cincinnati Bengals 4. New England Patriots 5. Baltimore Ravens 6. Indianapolis Colts

Winner: Cincinnati Bengals

#YOLO

NFC Predictions:

NFC West:

1. San Francisco 49ers

“I’m convinced Jim Harbaugh has sex with his wife in Khakis, a sweater, and his hat.” – Kyle Madson

2. Seattle Seahawks

The fanbase went from “WE GOT FLYNN” to “RUSSELL WILSON IS THE BEST EVER” in the span of 8 months.

3. St. Louis Rams

Let us pray that Sam Bradford can actually give the ball to Tavon Austin.

4. Arizona Cardinals

Carson Picks Palmer is the 2nd best QB Larry Fitzgerald has played with. Let that sit for a second.

NFC South: 

1. Atlanta Falcons

Matty Lukewarm Ice Ryan has one playoff win. Remember this.

2. New Orleans Saints

Breesus can’t save that defensive problem.

3. Carolina Panthers

Cam Newton’s postgame interviews are better than most games on Sundays.

4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Josh Freeman dressed up like Michael Jackson’s thriller album, and found a way to throw an interception doing it.

NFC North:

1. Green Bay Packers

Aaron, since Ryan Braun was guilty…….. you gonna pay that guy your salary or nah?

2. Minnesota Vikings

Adrian Peterson tore his ACL and ran for 2,097 yards the year later because he’s a supercoon.

3. Chicago Bears

Jay Cutler married Kristin Cutler, who had her fans attack me on Twitter because she was on a fake reality show and is never seen with their child. Makes sense.

4. Detroit Lions

Can Calvin Johnson play cornerback and safety, too?

NFC East:

1. Washington Redskins

RG3 got married to a white girl while having braids. Now, he’s the true #GOAT.

2. Dallas Cowboys

Dez Bryant hit his mom on Mother’s day. What a great son.

3. New York Giants

Eli Manning, that guy sure isn’t elite.

4. Philadelphia Eagles

Too bad they have to play defense too.

NFC Playoff Predictions:

1. San Francisco 49ers 2. Green Bay Packers 3. Atlanta Falcons 4. Washington Redskins 5. Seattle Seahawks 6. New Orleans Saints

Winner:  San Francisco 49ers

Super Bowl XLVIII winner: 

San Francisco 49ers

When Jim Harbaugh wins the Super Bowl, he’ll proclaim to troll us all with a “who’s got it better than us” chant while it’s 25 degrees outside and the score of the game is 3-0.

MVP: 

Drew Brees.

When he throws for over 5,000 yards again and 48 TDs to push them into the playoffs, you’ll see why.

Comeback player of the year: 

Brian Cushing.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Cush stays healthy this year, and has over 100 tackles.

Offensive Rookie of the Year: 

Tavon Austin.

GET HIM THE BALL, SAM BRADFORD

Defensive Rookie of the Year: 

Ziggy Ansah.

Very raw, but at the same time, he’ll benefit from Suh and Fairley getting double teams.

Defensive Player of the Year:

Richard Sherman.

He talks a big game, but he can back it up too.

Coach of the Year:

Sean Payton.

I went back and forth with this one, but he’s the difference of the Saints being 6-10, and 10-6.

And that’s it. I can’t wait to come back to this in February, laugh about how wrong I was, and write a blog publicly apologizing to Pete Carroll and the Seattle Seahawks for not picking them to win it all. Leave a comment if your predictions are different than mine.

ME DOING THE MANZIEL

PAPER

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