The beginning of the NFL Season is today with the Denver Broncos hosting the Super Bowl Champions Baltimore Ravens (I thought the Super Bowl team always got a home opener on a Thursday night…… I’m still confused by this).
Yes, finally, the NFL is back into our lives. Even though Roger Goodell is taking the fun out of it with these ridiculous rules about how you can’t celebrate (my boy QB #2 for Texas A&M isn’t pleased for his future), it’s still the NFL. It’s back into our lives as Sundays are finally complete. In a year of unpredictable events, I managed to give full predictions on everything except for All-Pro teams (Nobody got time to read that). These are my predictions, and if I don’t pick your team, don’t feel bad. I’m a Jets fan. We stink on purpose. (Not really on purpose, but look at the Jets roster, then look at yours. My point exactly.) But here you go.
1. Denver Broncos
Wes Welker came to Denver and brought “The Patriot Way” to Von Miller, huh?
2. Kansas City Chiefs
Jamaal Charles (and his fantasy owners) will love Andy Reid, and captain checkdown’s president Alex Smith.
3. San Diego Chargers
Remember when there was debate about how Phillip Rivers was a top 5 quarterback? Man, man, man.
4. Oakland Raiders
Matt Flynn lost another job to a lightskin quarterback. Smh.
1. Houston Texans
But will they finally get over the “hump?”
2. Indianapolis Colts
Andrew Luck won 11 games with no run game last year, and still lost Rookie of the Year to RG3 because he loses everything to him. See: Heisman 2011.
3. Tennessee Titans
Chris Johnson said he’s gonna run for 2,000 yards again. *winks eyes* Okay, Chris.
4. Jacksonville Jaguars
“Cecil Shorts is a terrible name.” – My cousin Chauntelle. Terrible name for a terrible team that is playing most of its games in London.
1. Cincinnati Bengals
I didn’t know Marvin Lewis still had a job until I watched Hard Knocks. Andy Dalton, it’s time to you know, yeah. *looks at his wife* I see. Take your time.
2. Baltimore Ravens
3. Pittsburgh Steelers
Mike Tomlin should have asked his long lost brother Kevin Sumlin how to stop the read option.
4. Cleveland Browns
Brandon Weeden isn’t bad, but he’s still my white #grandpa though.
1. New England Patriots
Murders and wild parties from your Tight Ends, while your future Hall of Fame Quarterback changes his hairstyle like the girls who say “new year, new me” every New Year’s. The Patriot Way is so great.
2. Miami Dolphins
People watch Miami games just to see Ryan Tannehill’s wife.
3. New York Jets
No receivers. Aging Defense. Hardly a quarterback. Mark Sanchez went from the golden boy to buttfumbler in a year. #GOAT
4. Buffalo Bills
Stevie Johnson is gonna blame God when the Bills win 4 games this year. Watch.
AFC Playoff Predictions:
1. Houston Texans 2. Denver Broncos 3. Cincinnati Bengals 4. New England Patriots 5. Baltimore Ravens 6. Indianapolis Colts
Winner: Cincinnati Bengals
1. San Francisco 49ers
“I’m convinced Jim Harbaugh has sex with his wife in Khakis, a sweater, and his hat.” – Kyle Madson
2. Seattle Seahawks
The fanbase went from “WE GOT FLYNN” to “RUSSELL WILSON IS THE BEST EVER” in the span of 8 months.
3. St. Louis Rams
Let us pray that Sam Bradford can actually give the ball to Tavon Austin.
4. Arizona Cardinals
Picks Palmer is the 2nd best QB Larry Fitzgerald has played with. Let that sit for a second.
1. Atlanta Falcons
Lukewarm Ice Ryan has one playoff win. Remember this.
2. New Orleans Saints
Breesus can’t save that defensive problem.
3. Carolina Panthers
Cam Newton’s postgame interviews are better than most games on Sundays.
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Josh Freeman dressed up like Michael Jackson’s thriller album, and found a way to throw an interception doing it.
1. Green Bay Packers
Aaron, since Ryan Braun was guilty…….. you gonna pay that guy your salary or nah?
2. Minnesota Vikings
Adrian Peterson tore his ACL and ran for 2,097 yards the year later because he’s a supercoon.
3. Chicago Bears
Jay Cutler married Kristin Cutler, who had her fans attack me on Twitter because she was on a fake reality show and is never seen with their child. Makes sense.
4. Detroit Lions
Can Calvin Johnson play cornerback and safety, too?
1. Washington Redskins
RG3 got married to a white girl while having braids. Now, he’s the true #GOAT.
2. Dallas Cowboys
Dez Bryant hit his mom on Mother’s day. What a great son.
3. New York Giants
Eli Manning, that guy sure isn’t elite.
4. Philadelphia Eagles
Too bad they have to play defense too.
NFC Playoff Predictions:
1. San Francisco 49ers 2. Green Bay Packers 3. Atlanta Falcons 4. Washington Redskins 5. Seattle Seahawks 6. New Orleans Saints
Winner: San Francisco 49ers
Super Bowl XLVIII winner:
San Francisco 49ers
When Jim Harbaugh wins the Super Bowl, he’ll proclaim to troll us all with a “who’s got it better than us” chant while it’s 25 degrees outside and the score of the game is 3-0.
When he throws for over 5,000 yards again and 48 TDs to push them into the playoffs, you’ll see why.
Comeback player of the year:
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Cush stays healthy this year, and has over 100 tackles.
Offensive Rookie of the Year:
GET HIM THE BALL, SAM BRADFORD
Defensive Rookie of the Year:
Very raw, but at the same time, he’ll benefit from Suh and Fairley getting double teams.
Defensive Player of the Year:
He talks a big game, but he can back it up too.
Coach of the Year:
I went back and forth with this one, but he’s the difference of the Saints being 6-10, and 10-6.
And that’s it. I can’t wait to come back to this in February, laugh about how wrong I was, and write a blog publicly apologizing to Pete Carroll and the Seattle Seahawks for not picking them to win it all. Leave a comment if your predictions are different than mine.