Johnny Manziel, for many reasons, is a bit of a personal hero of mine. Not that I would act how he acts or condone underage drinking or anything like that, I just thoroughly enjoy how he’s slowly exposing several corrupt and overall flawed things about college football. But I digress as this is neither the time nor place to discuss such things.
What you’re here for is a song. Manziel, the media and the fans have made a lot of Manziel’s escapades this summer leading up to the college football season. Given the constant theme of money and Manziel’s general unwillingness to dispute the fact that he’s loaded, I thought it might be fun to take Jay Z’s F*ckwithmeyouknowIgotit, and rewrite it through the eyes of one Jonathon “Football” Paul Manziel.
If you’re unfamiliar with the song, you can find it here.
I just got a suspension, gig em.
For autographs, like I’m a terrorist, gig em.
People talk I tweet fluent, gig em.
Visor on, I see through it, gig em.
Throw Hooks at me and you’ll lose, gig em. And your coach hates me for sure, gig em.
I don’t bop, I do the money dance.
I see you joining me up in the stands.
Red jersey, see me slide. Heisman bitch, you know I’m bout it.
Heisman bitch, I hope she bout it.
Fuck with me, you know I got it.
Fuck with me, you know I got it.
Fuck with me, you know I got it.
Heisman, bitch I hope she bout it.
Come fuck with me, you know I got it.
Cotton bowl in a dome, gig em.
Manning camp sent me home, gig em.
Vodka bottles, I downed hella.
Money dance with these old fellas.
Throws keep lookin like an arrow, got it.
And you know Evans just caught it, get it.
Back shoulder throw in the end zone, Coach Sumlin just gotta give me credit.
I got GIFS ain’t you seen all the Reddits.
But I’m the best, Sportscenter just said it. Feed off all that negative blah, blah
I beat Bama and the Sooners as a freshman (SKIRT).
The next Kaepernick, yeah I know
But I’d rather be Marino.
Or maybe that guy in Seattle,
I’m kinda like R-G 3 though. Johnny. Football.
On the field at College Station no field goals.
You hate me for getting my dough.
Y’all know, like we know, I got it.
Being a USC fan for the majority of my life, I can say that I’ve been spoiled. Spoiled of watching great players put on the cardinal and gold, and actually having a head coach who was competent of putting together a decent gameplan, and not being afraid of just playing football and having fun.
When I watch USC now, I get none of that. The sideline isn’t animated. The coach just stands there with his playcard and reads it like it’s a restaurant menu. The games are so boring, I even find myself dozing off. I don’t get it. What the hell happened to us, USC? What happened from 2010 to now, Kiff? Was Matt Barkley THAT big of a difference for you?
Lane Kiffin was quoted as being an “offensive mastermind” that throws the ball down the field, and is aggressive. That’s not Lane Kiffin now. Lane Kiffin now is a guy who doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing. Watching USC games now and watching his idea of an offense is like watching the Two Girls and One Cup video. Disgusting. Ugly. Pathetic. People act like we as USC fans should WANT to make excuses for Kiffin to get his head out of his butt. The two excuses that make me laugh are “well, we’re still down 10 scholarships, we have no depth in certain areas” and “These guys don’t have game experience, he’s just trying to ease them in.”
Do you realize that when you make an excuse for Lane Kiffin, a small child in Africa dies a slow and painful death due to starvation? Yeah, USC is still on probation and that’s up after next season. But my goodness, 7 points on one of the worst teams in college football? Then that whole, “ease in the quarterback” talk…….. Do people believe that? Do you really believe that the sanctions are preventing USC to score more than 7 points? Do you really believe the sanctions are preventing USC to actually look like a College Football team? Let’s just save ourselves here.
Lane Kiffin is one of the worst coaches in College Football. In fact, it’s gotten so bad that the crowd that stayed to see USC lose in the most embarrassing way chanted “Fire Kiffin” so loud that I heard it on my grandparents TV and I started chanting it too.
Listen, I used to like Kiffin after that whole 2011 season. In fact, I defended Kiffin twice last year on this blog, but now? Nothing has changed with his playcalling, and him. It’s all drama all the time, and it’s embarrassing. Kiffin took a team with pretty good talent last year and had them lose 6 games, and had them look dead in a bowl game where he pretty much proved how much of a joke he was. Pat Haden, I’m SURE you remember that.
Kiffin told reporters that he was going to close practices because that’s what the other top programs in the country do. They close practices. Well guess what, good white brother? Fine. Close practices, but when we see the games, it makes everyone wonder, “what does this team work on? Do all they do is work on perfecting the bubble screen?” Closing practices is one thing. Closing practices to hide… what? This is USC 2013. Everyone knows how to prepare for bubble screens and running back dives.
Kiffin then said that he “didn’t” know who the starting quarterback was, and that both guys would “play” in the first two games of the season (He finally picked one in Cody Kessler an hour ago, which should have been named back in August for his morale). Then last week, he said that he “told” the team who was going to be the starting quarterback, but he wouldn’t tell the media because he didn’t want the story to be on them. Guess what, Kiffin? THEY PLAY AT USC! THE STORY WILL ALWAYS BE ON THEM, YOU IDIOT!!!!!
At the time, people thought this was a brilliant idea. Me? I sat in confusion. Lane Kiffin, this “offensive mastermind” was creating another sense of drama that wasn’t needed. If he says to the media, “this is my starting quarterback” instead of playing these stupid Jedi mind tricks on everyone, including your team.
Now here’s the aftermath of this. Kessler started the game on Saturday night against Washington State, but the “offensive mastermind” decided to play the game on the “safe” side because the defense was playing out of their minds. Fine. But guess what? Playing it safe to 7 points? 54 yards passing between 2 quarterbacks? USC has gone from an elite program to a joke in the span of two seasons. USC has Marqise Lee, arguably the best receiver in the country, and he has 7 catches for 27 yards against one of the worst secondaries in College Football. People are like, “Well Kessler threw a pick 6.” He threw a pick 6 because the WSU DB knew a slant was coming because it was so predictable.
I was going to give this guy another chance. I was. I thought things were going to change after that disastrous Sun Bowl. But sadly, once again, I was wrong. Kiffin has failed to develop both quarterbacks, and probably has ruined their confidence all in a nutshell because he lacks the confidence in both of them to call plays that allow both guys to show that they can throw the ball down the field. People say that football is a “team” game. Yeah, it is. And the team lost on Saturday night. But guess what? When a defense holds a team to just 3 points, you should expect to win every time.
It’s gotten to the point in my head that USC could win out (Not happening by the way, they’ll lose at least 5 more), and I’d still want him out. Something has to change. People say that “you don’t know football if you’re blaming Kiffin for this, he’s a scapegoat.” Well I guess I don’t know football because when I look at USC now, I see a program that’s about to suffer even more because their coach simply is clueless when it comes to football, and clueless when it comes to calling plays.
So Pat Haden, are you listening to your boosters? Did you hear the student section chant how they want him gone? Where do we go from here? Do we go from bad football to worse football? Are we gonna see more games of a quarterback throwing 20 bubble screens?
When I watch other teams on Saturdays, I see these true freshman quarterbacks throw the ball and have confidence, and it makes me wonder, “Why can’t USC do that?” Kiffin has two redshirt sophomores, who’ve sat and waited their time, but he doesn’t have any type of confidence in them. So guess what? Kiffin not only lost me as a supporter and trying to right the ship, he’s lost all hopes I’ve had of him actually getting his act together.
The beginning of the NFL Season is today with the Denver Broncos hosting the Super Bowl Champions Baltimore Ravens (I thought the Super Bowl team always got a home opener on a Thursday night…… I’m still confused by this).
Yes, finally, the NFL is back into our lives. Even though Roger Goodell is taking the fun out of it with these ridiculous rules about how you can’t celebrate (my boy QB #2 for Texas A&M isn’t pleased for his future), it’s still the NFL. It’s back into our lives as Sundays are finally complete. In a year of unpredictable events, I managed to give full predictions on everything except for All-Pro teams (Nobody got time to read that). These are my predictions, and if I don’t pick your team, don’t feel bad. I’m a Jets fan. We stink on purpose. (Not really on purpose, but look at the Jets roster, then look at yours. My point exactly.) But here you go.
1. Denver Broncos
Wes Welker came to Denver and brought “The Patriot Way” to Von Miller, huh?
2. Kansas City Chiefs
Jamaal Charles (and his fantasy owners) will love Andy Reid, and captain checkdown’s president Alex Smith.
3. San Diego Chargers
Remember when there was debate about how Phillip Rivers was a top 5 quarterback? Man, man, man.
4. Oakland Raiders
Matt Flynn lost another job to a lightskin quarterback. Smh.
1. Houston Texans
But will they finally get over the “hump?”
2. Indianapolis Colts
Andrew Luck won 11 games with no run game last year, and still lost Rookie of the Year to RG3 because he loses everything to him. See: Heisman 2011.
3. Tennessee Titans
Chris Johnson said he’s gonna run for 2,000 yards again. *winks eyes* Okay, Chris.
4. Jacksonville Jaguars
“Cecil Shorts is a terrible name.” – My cousin Chauntelle. Terrible name for a terrible team that is playing most of its games in London.
1. Cincinnati Bengals
I didn’t know Marvin Lewis still had a job until I watched Hard Knocks. Andy Dalton, it’s time to you know, yeah. *looks at his wife* I see. Take your time.
2. Baltimore Ravens
3. Pittsburgh Steelers
Mike Tomlin should have asked his long lost brother Kevin Sumlin how to stop the read option.
4. Cleveland Browns
Brandon Weeden isn’t bad, but he’s still my white #grandpa though.
1. New England Patriots
Murders and wild parties from your Tight Ends, while your future Hall of Fame Quarterback changes his hairstyle like the girls who say “new year, new me” every New Year’s. The Patriot Way is so great.
2. Miami Dolphins
People watch Miami games just to see Ryan Tannehill’s wife.
3. New York Jets
No receivers. Aging Defense. Hardly a quarterback. Mark Sanchez went from the golden boy to buttfumbler in a year. #GOAT
4. Buffalo Bills
Stevie Johnson is gonna blame God when the Bills win 4 games this year. Watch.
AFC Playoff Predictions:
1. Houston Texans 2. Denver Broncos 3. Cincinnati Bengals 4. New England Patriots 5. Baltimore Ravens 6. Indianapolis Colts
Winner: Cincinnati Bengals
1. San Francisco 49ers
“I’m convinced Jim Harbaugh has sex with his wife in Khakis, a sweater, and his hat.” – Kyle Madson
2. Seattle Seahawks
The fanbase went from “WE GOT FLYNN” to “RUSSELL WILSON IS THE BEST EVER” in the span of 8 months.
3. St. Louis Rams
Let us pray that Sam Bradford can actually give the ball to Tavon Austin.
4. Arizona Cardinals
Carson Picks Palmer is the 2nd best QB Larry Fitzgerald has played with. Let that sit for a second.
1. Atlanta Falcons
Matty Lukewarm Ice Ryan has one playoff win. Remember this.
2. New Orleans Saints
Breesus can’t save that defensive problem.
3. Carolina Panthers
Cam Newton’s postgame interviews are better than most games on Sundays.
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Josh Freeman dressed up like Michael Jackson’s thriller album, and found a way to throw an interception doing it.
1. Green Bay Packers
Aaron, since Ryan Braun was guilty…….. you gonna pay that guy your salary or nah?
2. Minnesota Vikings
Adrian Peterson tore his ACL and ran for 2,097 yards the year later because he’s a supercoon.
3. Chicago Bears
Jay Cutler married Kristin Cutler, who had her fans attack me on Twitter because she was on a fake reality show and is never seen with their child. Makes sense.
4. Detroit Lions
Can Calvin Johnson play cornerback and safety, too?
1. Washington Redskins
RG3 got married to a white girl while having braids. Now, he’s the true #GOAT.
2. Dallas Cowboys
Dez Bryant hit his mom on Mother’s day. What a great son.
3. New York Giants
Eli Manning, that guy sure isn’t elite.
4. Philadelphia Eagles
Too bad they have to play defense too.
NFC Playoff Predictions:
1. San Francisco 49ers 2. Green Bay Packers 3. Atlanta Falcons 4. Washington Redskins 5. Seattle Seahawks 6. New Orleans Saints
Winner: San Francisco 49ers
Super Bowl XLVIII winner:
San Francisco 49ers
When Jim Harbaugh wins the Super Bowl, he’ll proclaim to troll us all with a “who’s got it better than us” chant while it’s 25 degrees outside and the score of the game is 3-0.
When he throws for over 5,000 yards again and 48 TDs to push them into the playoffs, you’ll see why.
Comeback player of the year:
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Cush stays healthy this year, and has over 100 tackles.
Offensive Rookie of the Year:
GET HIM THE BALL, SAM BRADFORD
Defensive Rookie of the Year:
Very raw, but at the same time, he’ll benefit from Suh and Fairley getting double teams.
Defensive Player of the Year:
He talks a big game, but he can back it up too.
Coach of the Year:
I went back and forth with this one, but he’s the difference of the Saints being 6-10, and 10-6.
And that’s it. I can’t wait to come back to this in February, laugh about how wrong I was, and write a blog publicly apologizing to Pete Carroll and the Seattle Seahawks for not picking them to win it all. Leave a comment if your predictions are different than mine.
The first week of the College Football season brought excitement from Clemson/Georgia game, to all the upsets that we saw across the country from FCS schools, especially from North Dakota State, and Eastern Washington. However, instead of talking those upsets, and about how great QB #10 for Clemson, QB #5 for Louisville and QB #5, the redshirt freshman for Florida State were over the weekend, America, in particular, a certain 4 letter network is STILL speaking and writing about one man and his actions from Saturday afternoon.
QB #2 for Texas A&M was already a polarizing figure in the National Media. After being crowned as one of the best Quarterbacks of our generation by several people after his ridiculous freshman season where he won the Heisman Trophy, and led the SEC in rushing (That’s not a typo at all), and was proclaimed #JohnnyFootball without playing a single game. Now, after a long college football off-season, the same people who crowned him as one of the game’s best players are the ones who want him to fall on his face.
Sure, QB #2 hasn’t made it easy for himself. From partying all off-season (which was well, hilariously dope to me), to hanging out in New Orleans at the Super Bowl, and taking pictures with Justin Timberlake, to hanging out in Miami at the LIV with Rick Ross and Drake, or being seen with several athletes such as Lebron, Chris Paul, and James Harden or my favorite rumor about QB #2, that he “took” money from signing autographs even though the people who “paid” him wouldn’t speak to the NCAA because well, it’s the NCAA. Folks wanted him suspended for pretty much doing nothing, but since he’s been having too much fun, it’s a problem. When it’s revealed that he’s suspended for a half, folks thought the Anti-Christ came and the “fake” outrage happened.
Then on Saturday, QB #2 did nothing to help ease the drama and the perception of what people think of him. My dude came in the 2nd half, led A&M on 4 straight scoring drives, threw 3 TDs on 8 attempts, and looked better than he did last year. But instead of saying, “wow, he looked good,” the comments turned into, “I can’t believe he’s celebrating like that after throwing touchdowns” or “he’s such an spoiled brat, look how he’s celebrating” or my favorite one from Mark May,”He’s not a leader and I bet his teammates don’t respect the way he acts or plays.”
QB #2 does his patented money celebration, and in fact, he’s been doing it since last season, but now it’s a problem? Now he’s defying the law for celebrating a touchdown pass? Now he’s not a leader because of this?
So when the 4 letter network’s favorite stepchild and the favorite player of everyone in America, you know, the one who got cut by the New England Patriots because he’s not a quarterback, and former Heisman winner himself from the University of Florida gator chopped in an Oklahoma Sooners’ player in the National Title Game back in 2009, it was said that he was “excited, and a gamer, and look how great of a leader he is.” But when #2 does his little celebration, it’s a problem? Right. Got it.
How about QB #10 for Clemson for doing the same exact thing #2 did after his first TD against Georgia? People said it wasn’t a problem or that he was immature, but it represented “swag” and having fun. Why can’t #2 have fun? Is because we shouldn’t want him to have fun anymore?
Better yet, QB #2 talks trash back to Rice players after throwing his 3rd and final touchdown on the afternoon, then points to the scoreboard to get the unsportsmanlike conduct penalty and taken out the game by his own coach. He’s not the first person to get an unsportsmanlike penalty, and guess what everyone? He sure won’t be the last one. But since he got one just for pointing to the scoreboard, he’s not a leader? What? His teammates hate his actions? Huh? How do we know?
The funny thing is, we talk about how athletes need to have fun, and have a little bit of swagger and arrogance. We’re mad because he has too much? QB #2 reminds me of the mid 80s-early 90s Miami football teams. A lot of confidence, very arrogant, but also very very talented, and we love to hate those types of players because they aren’t the “norm” to how society wants them to act.
So why do you want him to fail? Because the mainstream media built this guy up so he can fall? Because he had too much fun in the off-season hanging out with celebrities? Because the NCAA is a dumb organization and never get things right? Because he’s cocky, even though he’s been like this for 2 years now? Should we want Nick Saban to “teach” A&M a lesson on September 15th? (I personally think Alabama has all the pressure on them in that game but I don’t know football.)
QB #2 isn’t concerned about people hating on him. In fact, we should WANT him to live a little bit, but according to some, he’s already lived too much. There’s nothing wrong with what he’s doing. Shouldn’t we want our athletes to talk trash and to be brash instead of not saying anything? Listen, keep doing you, QB #2. You’re one of the reasons why we watch games, and talk about college football. Don’t change your ways because other people don’t want you to have fun playing this game.
In the words of me (look how arrogant that was), #Prosper, QB #2. I’ll be rooting for you.