50 Shades of Grey?

I’ve meant to write this blog on this book (Is it a book or a dark journal entry?) awhile ago, but tonight, it just struck into something that finally, it’s time for me to write about.

Why do females read 50 Shades of Grey?

Why?

Ladies, you can’t be this desperate for sex that you have a read a book to pleasure yourself in a way that no man can do? Right? (#PleaseRespond) I mean, if you’re over the age of 21 and you want sex, you can find me  anyone on the internet to have a digital digital get down, or better yet, go out into your local town, find a man and let him slide it in real quick.

You see that novel concept? You don’t even have to PAY him to pipe you. (Unless, you’re ugly as hell, when then, god bless you as you pleasure yourself night in and out.)

LET HIM PIPE!

I’ve told my e-sister (e for internet, dumbfucks) Marie da coon gawd that 50 shades of Grey is basically for the women who are lonely, and who strive to be like Eva Longoria’s character on Desperate Housewives except they can’t find a man who will be willing to queen them like when her boytoy wanted to queen after he got her pregnant (Don’t ask me how the hell I know that. Just, don’t.).

she’s bad though

I mean, let’s be honest here. Ladies, does this make you this horny to completely pleasure yourself?

“He leans down and kisses me, his fingers still moving rhythmically inside me, his thumb circling and pressing. His other hand scoops my hair off my head and holds my head in place. His tongue mirrors the actions of his fingers, claiming me. My legs begin to stiffen as I push against his hand. He gentles his hand, so I’m brought back from the brink … I come instantly again and again, falling apart beneath him … then I’m building again … I climax anew, calling out his name.”

What in the flying fuck? I swear, this can’t make a woman’s hormones THAT horny to keep reading.

Or this one:

“Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my panties off and throws them on the floor. Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow! … He kneels up and pulls a condom onto his considerable length. Oh no … Will it? How?

I can’t even lie, when I read that, I literally started laughing so hard that my grandparents gave me the “young nigga, why the fuck are you laughing face.”

The main character’s name is Anastasia. Yes, you read that correctly. Is this some type of disney book that we don’t know about? I swear, this author can’t fool a don like me. #noPe, not even close. When I hear the name Christian, I think of a guy who’s probably a downlow bro. (No, I am not a racist, and in fact, I know you poor people who might read this might spin it to that, but I’m just being honest.)

Christian and Anastasia sitting in a tree, making females all over the world horny. First comes the climax, then comes the embarrassment, then comes the mess in the bedroom. (That didn’t make sense, and in fact, it wasn’t funny. Just Zzzzzzzzzzzz me bro!)

If you read 50 Shades of Grey, I’m going to assume your literature level is at the exact spot of a 3rd grader. You’re bored because we’re in the middle of summer. It’s a dead period. Football hasn’t started yet. Your kids don’t have school and you are too busy watching them instead of trying to find a boytoy to pipe while your husband works a 8-5 everyday. I get it, it happens. The struggle is real.

Carly Rae, shut it up b

50 Shades of Grey is the “Call Me Maybe” of the summer. Except I don’t think 50 Shades of Grey was ever cool like Call Me Maybe was. But now, it’s old. Done. Played out.

Ladies, I’m not writing this to insult your reading level.  In fact, this black guy is happy you are reading a book. Especially if you’re a bunny. That makes me proud, b.

I’m so proud of you

But let’s be honest. Ladies, if you’re married and you are desperate to read a book full of terrible sexual descriptions to just finger yourself, you need to let your husband pipe every night because as a man, I’m disrespected for them.

If you’re single and you’re a cougar, look hot a college party, get somewhat drunk, but not trashy drunk, and then throw your legs up in the air to find your true pleasure in life. A young man who has stamina for dayyyyyyyyyyyyys.

But most importantly, stop reading this goddamn book please, and thank you.

MATT BARKLEY AGREES

I’m out, goodbye

and good day

– Shaun

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