SEC fans are funny.

I had a debate with a SEC/Tennessee fan who is still salty about Lane Kiffin leaving their conference/team for USC.

Awkward

Look at the picture above. Lane is giving the “awkwardly” smile, while his wife (God bless that bunny, Lawd) is smiling without knowing why she’s smiling.

Now, I’m not going to defend Mr. Kiffin for leaving Tennessee in a douche fashion for my favorite team because it was cold, heartless, and sad. (I laughed while typing that. #KoldGame) But at the end of the day, it’s gonna be 3 football seasons since Mr. Kiffin has left Tennessee. Tennessee fans laughed at our 8-5 record in 2010 saying all sorts of junk about how Lane is a scumbag (which, I don’t know if I can say right now, at the moment), how Lane can’t coach (We’ll get to this in a second), and to how the USC program would be setback to at least 5 years with not only the sanctions, but with him as a coach (I’m literally laughing at these comments now).

Fast forward to 2012.

This white nigga just mocking everyone b

The preseason poll hasn’t came out yet, but I’m going to assume in my arrogant fashion (Thanks to Zack Jerome, the founder of Arrogant Nation) that USC will be in the top 1. Yes, I said it. The top 1. The #1 team in the land in the preseason. (What’s 10 wins on a year of a bowl ban to a motherfucker like me, can you please remind me? That’s what Lane Kiffin is telling his haters.) But now, I think it’s confirmed that Lane’s arrogance is on a whole ‘nother level.

Swag

Kiff is taking “backlash” (I put that in quotes because I feel like it’s not backlash, it’s fake outrage because Lane Kiffin outsmarted the NCAA and folks don’t want to see him succeed in anyway possible) because of his recruitment of Silas Redd, the new USC running back. But hey, flashback to June 2010 where USC players were free agents. Was their any “faux outrage” when Vidal Hazelton left USC? How about when Travon Patterson? Nah? You see where I’m going with this.

At least, Lane arrogantly had the respect to call newly Penn State coach Bill O’Brien. I mean, can you imagine how the conversation went?

Lane: “Hey, Bill. Fuck you, fuck the Patriots, and I’m gonna recruit your best running back. Not only will I recruit him, I’ll get him to come to USC.”

Bill: Wait, what are you speaking of?

Lane: I’ll be at Silas’ house in 3 days, tough break for you, huh?

Bill: I hate you. *hangs up*

See that? Lane is so arrogant that he flew 6 assistant coaches to Redd’s house in Connecticut (?) to show him a powerpoint on USC, and what his role would be on offense. Not to mention to tell him that he’s playing with the 2012 Heisman Trophy winner, Matthew Barkley. What does Penn State have going for them right now? (Rhetorical question, don’t even bother answering.)

That’s besides the point anyway. Back on track to where this blog is headed.

I wake up at 3 pm after a 5 hour nap, and as I check my phone, I see that it’s 3:17 in the afternoon. I also see that I get a text from ESPN (Don’t laugh nigga, I get all the information before you do) that Redd and his father announced that he was going to USC. I’m thinking, “Well, this nigga was out in SoCal hanging out with Woody (Robert Woods, #2) and Barks all weekend, plus its SoCal.” So, then in the mist of my twitter “break,” I log in to twitter and find that Silas Redd and USC is trending. As I’m going into the tag, I see nothing but scorn and hate about how “Lane Kiffin is a doucher”, “USC will lose 4 games this year (That prediction is so wrong, that is so ridiculously hilarious to me), or my favorite from Oregon fans: “We’ll still beat you twice.” (Before the summer ends, Oregon and Washington fans will be addressed because they need to be addressed. I think Oregon fans have a short memory of what happened in Autzen last season, but I digress.)

But then, I happened to see this tweet.

Now this is funny

I don’t live in SoCal, but I found this very very very hilarious to me.

I happened to RT (Retweet for those who don’t have twitter) and just said, You mad bro, it’s okay.

He responds with this, and I kid you not:

Huh?

I thought this was about Tennessee’s “successful” program compared to USC’s program. But now, since your program is trash right now (Can’t confirm or deny this is Lane’s fault *snickers*), you want to claim SEC’s success instead your program’s success like you stated in your earlier tweet. Yup, makes complete sense. Complete sense.

And then it becomes predictable:

I fell asleep at this point

Yup, USC lost the 2004 BCS title, but since the AP still claims the title, this is very much  pointless at this point. I usually don’t entertain idiots, but I was in that mood to do so today. Most people in the north/south/east/west don’t even know what happened at USC, and then when you proceed to tell them the story, they still don’t get it. Don’t get mad that Lane Kiffin goes into “SEC” country (since they play the best football in the SEC, rumor has it. I guess so, winning 6 straight BCS titles is no joke, even though Florida lucked out in 2006 because USC lost to UCLOL, and nobody wanted to see a rematch between Ohio State and Michigan. Which is funny how this all turned out in 2011 when “SEC” homers ESPN were claiming for a snoozefest rematch with Bama and LSU.) and takes your best players. That’s not my fault, bro. I’m just a fan.

I told his dude that USC is a better coaching job than Tennessee, and a lot of people would agree with me. Why?

USC’s tradition is unmatched in college football outside of Alabama, Oklahoma, and Notre Dame. What’s the difference at these programs with USC?

You’re in Southern California.

LMAO

At this point, I wanted to laugh at this dude.

Think about it. USC is gonna be in the top 1 in the preseason poll. Now, I agree with him that Lane messed up their program in a big way. I’m sorry it happened, but don’t get mad at him for leaving for USC. Clearly, it’s a better job. If it wasn’t, Kiff wouldn’t have left Tennessee. Folks are so quick to jump on the fact that Lane failed in Oakland (Wasn’t his fault, Al Davis, god rest his soul didn’t even give Lane a chance to prosper), and 2009, Lane shot his mouth off because he had to get some type of attention to the ailing Tennessee program. I mean, let’s think about it. Any type of dude with a brain isn’t gonna shoot his mouth off at Urban Meyer, just for no reason.

The irony is, Urban left the same way Lane did

(The funny thing about Urban Meyer is that, he, in himself, is what “SEC” homers claim Lane Kiffin is. Except Urban won because he had Jesus running around throwing wobbly spirals, and using the “truck stick” on them SEC linebackers. Funny how when Tebow graduates, Urban has one bad year at Florida, and then announces his “retirement.” Hmmm. Back to the point at hand.)

So now, in the mist of this conversation, he finally gets back to Tennessee football. Since we’re all supposed to know it.

LOL

So, I looked up Tennessee’s football history, and it’s very dry. 6 national titles, i don’t even know how many heisman titles, and they have a fewer winning percentage than USC.

This guy was in such denial about it, that he said this:

Why me lord

True, you have more all-time wins. Wanna know why? USC had to vacate 2 wins in the 04 season, and all of 2005. That’s 14 wins, making that win total to 793, plus that would make the winning percentage even higher. I didn’t know more wins meant you were automatically a better program. That’s like UCLA basketball telling Carolina and Kentucky basketball that they have a better program because they have more wins overall. 2nd, the school claims 11 national titles. In reality, the 2004 national title isn’t vacated, and it shouldn’t have been vacated. Wanna know why? That whole Reggie Bush situation happened after the 2004 season. Most people don’t realize this. Plus, not to mention, the AP still claims USC as their national champion in 2004.  I didn’t realize the heisman is a joke. Maybe because nobody at Tennessee can win it. (Charles Woodson, anyone?!)

-______-

The school claims 11. In reality, any team can claim a national title. Tennessee claims 6. USC happens to claim 11.

Then, of course, like every fanbase in the country, he says this:

OKAY BRO!

Yup, I’m gonna regret a guy who brings in top recruiting classes year in and year out, and won 10 games in  a probation year, and bringing the program back with swagger and arrogance. Yup. I’m gonna regret this guy:

If Lane Kiffin got up and left USC to coach in the NFL, I wouldn’t be mad at him.

In fact, I’d make sure USC fans had a “Lane Kiffin Appreciation Day.”

Lane can coach. In fact, he can coach damn well (Go watch USC/Oregon and you’ll catch my drift).

I find it hilarious that SEC fans talk about USC. Nobody on the West Coast is focused on them. They claim they hate USC, but yet, find themselves commenting in USC highlight videos talking about how much you hate USC. If you hate a team so much, why do you talk about them? It doesn’t make sense to me, at all. But hey, I’m just a black kid, who lives in the Seattle area, who happens to be a USC fan.  Tell you what, SEC fans. Be happy I gave you this attention in this blog because right now, I’m focused on Hawaii, and how Kiff the gawd will prepare us for a national title run.

If we do meet in January, I live you with this:

-Shaun

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Dj Khaled, why bro?

You know who I’m slowly starting to get fed up with?

Dj Khaled.

What a lame

Why?

For a guy who has a lot of “albums” with a bunch of rappers on them, you actually have to rap on them, not just have a bunch of rappers + Akon around rapping for you.

All Dj Khaled says (I’m not sure if says is the right word because he yells the same thing over and over in every song) “DJ Khaled, WE THE BEST, NIGGA, WE THE BEST.”

Then, he drops in while someone is rapping, and is all like, “Khaled, we the best.”

No comment

First off,

A “rapper” named Sean Puffy P.Diddy Puff Daddy Diddy Combs (I don’t know what he wants to be called anymore. Pretty soon, he’s gonna call himself Ciroc Obama. Oh wait, that lame ass nigga already did that back in 2008. Which was funny, but wack. But back to Khaled.) already has done this back in the mid 90s, and he, unlike you DJ Khaled, made it hot enough where folks like myself will just say “take that take that” for the fun of it while listening to Notorious B.I.G. (RIP biggie, talk to Craig Mack for me in heaven, oh wait, what?)

But now, Mr. Khaled, you’re attempting to steal the swag of a don. Well, Diddy isn’t a don. In fact, like I said before, Diddy is a wack nigga. But Khaled, you’re the wackest nigga ever.

I don’t understand how you can have an album when you don’t even rap on the album.

See, Diddy rapped on his albums. I mean, outside of D.I.D.D.Y. (produced by the god of gods Pharrell), his songs, let alone albums were terrible. The only reason folks listened to Diddy because he dance ridiculously stupid in videos, he created the biggest coonery on television when he did Making The Band, and he’s made all of his artists disappear into Narnia.

Dj Khaled?

You wanna hear DJ Khaled rap?

Just watch this video.

LMFAO HE HAS A MIC IN HIS HAND

You hear how trash that was?

Don’t let the “yes men” in the room fool you.

Rick Ross was all hyped because he finally heard someone spit worse bars than himself. (When I typed that line, I grunted. 

)

I had to do some research on that song Mr. Khaled went and “spit” his wack bars, and the song was just as trash as his bars.

DONT GIVE ME THIS LOOK WACK NIGGA

Who gave Khaled permission to say Nigga?

I mean, I thought you had to be at least a good enough non-black athlete, rapper, actor, etc within the black community to say this established word.

Last I checked, wack niggas aren’t cool.

How can you claim to have your own songs on your “albums” when your “albums” are a whole bunch of features?

That’s copyright. Wack nigga.

Khaled, I’m trying to help you prosper from not being a wack nigga. In fact, your wackness might have rubbed off on Ross (He was already wack anyway, but he’s terribly wack).

I mean, do you have to say the same things over and over on every song? Pharrell did a whole bunch of hits for Jay-Z and he didn’t come on saying the same shit. Timbaland has been doing this for years, and he doesn’t come on a record saying “TIMBO” on every damn track he happens to produce.

Dj Khaled is basically a wack version of Swizz Beatz. Both are lames, but Swizz is currently piping Alicia Keys, so I’m not even gonna debate this, and therefore, Swizz Beatz can be wack.

A.I. is shocked b

Uncle Joey is telling you to cut it out DJ Khaled.

He’s not the only one though.

As  a fan of music, I’m telling you to cut it out.

Give it up.

Produce the song.

Stop yelling “WE THE BEST.” It’s we’re the best. Or, we are the best, nigga.

I’m just trying to help you Dj.

Wait, what?

-Shaun

50 Shades of Grey?

I’ve meant to write this blog on this book (Is it a book or a dark journal entry?) awhile ago, but tonight, it just struck into something that finally, it’s time for me to write about.

Why do females read 50 Shades of Grey?

Why?

Ladies, you can’t be this desperate for sex that you have a read a book to pleasure yourself in a way that no man can do? Right? (#PleaseRespond) I mean, if you’re over the age of 21 and you want sex, you can find me  anyone on the internet to have a digital digital get down, or better yet, go out into your local town, find a man and let him slide it in real quick.

You see that novel concept? You don’t even have to PAY him to pipe you. (Unless, you’re ugly as hell, when then, god bless you as you pleasure yourself night in and out.)

LET HIM PIPE!

I’ve told my e-sister (e for internet, dumbfucks) Marie da coon gawd that 50 shades of Grey is basically for the women who are lonely, and who strive to be like Eva Longoria’s character on Desperate Housewives except they can’t find a man who will be willing to queen them like when her boytoy wanted to queen after he got her pregnant (Don’t ask me how the hell I know that. Just, don’t.).

she’s bad though

I mean, let’s be honest here. Ladies, does this make you this horny to completely pleasure yourself?

“He leans down and kisses me, his fingers still moving rhythmically inside me, his thumb circling and pressing. His other hand scoops my hair off my head and holds my head in place. His tongue mirrors the actions of his fingers, claiming me. My legs begin to stiffen as I push against his hand. He gentles his hand, so I’m brought back from the brink … I come instantly again and again, falling apart beneath him … then I’m building again … I climax anew, calling out his name.”

What in the flying fuck? I swear, this can’t make a woman’s hormones THAT horny to keep reading.

Or this one:

“Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my panties off and throws them on the floor. Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow! … He kneels up and pulls a condom onto his considerable length. Oh no … Will it? How?

I can’t even lie, when I read that, I literally started laughing so hard that my grandparents gave me the “young nigga, why the fuck are you laughing face.”

The main character’s name is Anastasia. Yes, you read that correctly. Is this some type of disney book that we don’t know about? I swear, this author can’t fool a don like me. #noPe, not even close. When I hear the name Christian, I think of a guy who’s probably a downlow bro. (No, I am not a racist, and in fact, I know you poor people who might read this might spin it to that, but I’m just being honest.)

Christian and Anastasia sitting in a tree, making females all over the world horny. First comes the climax, then comes the embarrassment, then comes the mess in the bedroom. (That didn’t make sense, and in fact, it wasn’t funny. Just Zzzzzzzzzzzz me bro!)

If you read 50 Shades of Grey, I’m going to assume your literature level is at the exact spot of a 3rd grader. You’re bored because we’re in the middle of summer. It’s a dead period. Football hasn’t started yet. Your kids don’t have school and you are too busy watching them instead of trying to find a boytoy to pipe while your husband works a 8-5 everyday. I get it, it happens. The struggle is real.

Carly Rae, shut it up b

50 Shades of Grey is the “Call Me Maybe” of the summer. Except I don’t think 50 Shades of Grey was ever cool like Call Me Maybe was. But now, it’s old. Done. Played out.

Ladies, I’m not writing this to insult your reading level.  In fact, this black guy is happy you are reading a book. Especially if you’re a bunny. That makes me proud, b.

I’m so proud of you

But let’s be honest. Ladies, if you’re married and you are desperate to read a book full of terrible sexual descriptions to just finger yourself, you need to let your husband pipe every night because as a man, I’m disrespected for them.

If you’re single and you’re a cougar, look hot a college party, get somewhat drunk, but not trashy drunk, and then throw your legs up in the air to find your true pleasure in life. A young man who has stamina for dayyyyyyyyyyyyys.

But most importantly, stop reading this goddamn book please, and thank you.

MATT BARKLEY AGREES

I’m out, goodbye

and good day

– Shaun