I promise you, I’m not crazy.

Depression is a real thing. I’ve never been like this before. Not many know I’m facing this, and I don’t want people to like, know about it, until now.

I knew something was wrong with me weeks ago. Mentally, I wasn’t myself. I was having crazy mood swings and lashing out on people, and either crying myself to sleep or drinking heavy just to sleep and hide the pain.

As a person, I dealt with a lot in 2017, especially in the latter half with the loss of my grandpa. On the outside, you see someone who can fake a smile, but that’s just a face to keep. I’ve been doing that since the beginning of time. Everybody has their own personal demons that they’re faced with and for me, I keep a lot bottled in and I’m 95 percent never honest with anyone.

Everyone deals with events differently. I haven’t coped with my grandpa dying yet because the void of losing a father figure is there. At first, I shrugged it off because it didn’t hit me. It hit me that my papa wasn’t here anymore at the end of October while I was calling home. When you’re consistently busy with school and work, you rarely have a moment where you have that free time to think. I found that moment where it clicked and it triggered instantly. Since then, I can’t lie to you, it’s been fake happiness.

There are days where I just sit and cry while drinking a four to six cans of miller lite in a hour, which isn’t normal or healthy. But that’s how I numb the pain of it. There are also days where I just sleep all day, not because I’m this lazy figure of a person (it actually bothers me that people think I’m lazy), but because I don’t have the energy to do anything. I’m not proud to admit that, but it is what it is. Social media is a great place to mask things. I post a lot of pictures on Instagram that show the happy side because why send a selfie on the internet with you in tears at 2 AM?

There are times where I lash out at people and I don’t mean anything by it. But the words that I’ve said to those have probably cost me friendships, which leads me to have regret over things and hopefully, maybe one day, they’ll understand how truly sorry I am that I hurt them and ultimately, forgive me. 

I know there are people out there who are in the same shoes as me – People who are depressed and probably do more than what I do – either taking drugs or drinking heavy loads of alcohol to help cope with it, or ultimately, killing themselves because that’s the only thing they know how to do. I’m not writing this for sympathy or attention. There are plenty of other things I could do in life to get those things.

Two reasons why I’m writing this – One, for me to be self-aware on my life, and to realize that I’m not this superhuman. I’m human and I need some help.  Two, I want people who could be in this position to know that they aren’t alone in this regardless of what others say and think about you.

For myself, it’s finding a professional just to talk to, which I’m gonna strive to do in a week or two. Learning that people aren’t alone in this struggle makes me feel a little better. My goals this year is to be more honest with myself and other people about life, and to find something everyday that makes me happy. Writing this helps.

It’s one step and day at a time. I know days will be hard still, but the biggest thing I’ve learned in the last week or so is talking it out. I’ll be okay in the long run. 

Thanks for reading.

Advertisements

USC fans confuse me.

The USC Trojans are 10-2, a fringe top ten team heading into a bye week after beating their crosstown rivals on Saturday night.   USC clinched a spot in the Pac-12 Championship Game already by winning the south division two Saturday afternoons ago  in a weird game in the place where The Chainsmokers claimed their ex had roommates from in that one song (We ain’t ever getting older).

USC should* win the Pac-12 championship. . As a fan, I say should because conference title games are tricky, but USC is playing the best in one of the worst conferences right now, and they have the best roster, although Stanford and Washington State could give problems.

This season, a lot of USC fans have made me angrier than I should be.  I for one predicted 10-2 or 11-1 (show tweet) in January because when I saw the schedule, I saw at least two losses at most because of the bye week, and the placement of how USC had to travel to Pullman on a Friday night, then play Notre Dame in South Bend as they would come off a bye week after playing a physical Utah team. It was obvious. Shit happens.

The word “fan” is short for “fanatic.” USC fans whine more than any other fanbase in college athletics. Here’s a team that’s 10-2, yes. Playing their best ball as of late, and yet – these fans think that everybody should be fired. Why should everybody be fired on the staff for? Because they aren’t going to reach the playoff? That’s why Clay Helton should be fired?

I know. I complain a lot about USC (I haven’t this season as much because unlike you guys, I’m actually happy with how they’ve played this season outside of the Notre Dame game). This is outrageous and over the top.

USC isn’t a perfect team. Nobody in college football is, though. USC has flaws on offense and that starts with the golden boy quarterback (although the golden boy has been really good as of late). Word.

USC takes lapses off in games. Okay. Clay Helton is still green as a coach, same with Tee Martin as offensive coordinator. Cool.

That means we need to fire a coaching staff that has been successful in the 2+ years Helton has been head coach?

USC has won games ugly this year. It’s been strange but it reminds me of the Pete Carroll seasons, too. You know, the days these guys want so badly. It’s weird because when I was 16, I would act the same way most of these fans do. Spoiled. Can’t understand how great winning actually is. The ugly, comeback wins that USC has had would not have happened when Kiffin or Sarkisian were coaching.

Remember 2014 and the meltdowns that occurred that season. I do. I remember staying up late watching the Utah game and seeing Sark and his legion fold under pressure.

Remember 2012 and how USC lost a game to Arizona and Kiffin blamed Matt Barkley’s incompletion pass in Tucson (Kiffin played the blink 182 song and beat it to death there)  just because his face screamed PANIC? Remember losing the Mexico Sun Bowl on New Year’s Eve?

Lane Kiffin praying for a miracle
Yall wanna go back to this?!??!?

I think we need to examine the state of the program right now, and how good we really have it.

Why are you so angry over this team, and coaching staff? Are you angry over a winning record because they didn’t beat a team 45-0 on Saturday? Are you mad at they lost two games to take themselves out of playoff contention, then mad at that people won’t place them into consideration for it? I’m struggling to see where there is a problem.

USC starts games off slow, sure. As the game goes along, they play better. Pete’s teams – the guy you all clamor for still has his teams play the same way in their peak.

ronald jones ii colorado
(Nov. 10, 2017 – Source: Matthew Stockman/Getty Images North America

It’d be one thing if USC was 5-4, struggling to win the south when they clearly have the best talent. But when everybody in the conference cannibalized each other yet again, there’s no need to complain. Yes, I love national championships. It’s been ages since USC has gotten one.

That being said, we can agree that program is back to contending for championships, right? This is the first time in almost 9 years USC has put themselves with the opportunity to win the conference. The last time they won this conference, it was still the Pac-10.

Pete’s mantra was “Own the Rose Bowl.” He always stated about how it was important to win the conference and get to the Rose Bowl. Yeah, I know. Pasadena is hosting the playoff game so USC won’t be there this season. But what’s wrong with a possible trip to Arizona?

73C4DE17-74E3-4016-A0C2-D131ECE2A58C-9433-000005864C2A6FAF.jpg

Look man, all I’m saying is – enjoy this shit. 10-2 with no bye weeks until Thanksgiving week is really a great season. 

If they go 11-2, win the conference title and end up in a New Year’s Day six bowl game, why are we as a fanbase supposedly to be mad? I know Clay wasn’t yalls first choice. He definitely wasn’t mine. But you know what? He beat my first choice in Seattle last year. Helton’s isn’t perfect, but outside of Nick Saban, who really is?

Whether some of you like it or not, the program has improved this year. Last year, they were 9-3 and got into the Rose Bowl due to Washington drumming Colorado in the conference title game. Now? They control their own destiny. 

Be patient. Calm down. Drink a beer. The national championship seasons will come. Fight On.   

 

some quiet weekend, huh?

curry, bron and two assholes
two of these folks are currently my presidents

Let me address this early. This is primarily a sports blog with some other things (ProsperSeason4 is coming next year), and I do try to stick to sports. I’m not this political science major and thank god I’m not. However, I do have a voice and I believe that it should be heard. This is my third time writing about Donald Trump. Once in November, last month and now this one.

Most of this is humorous because why wouldn’t it be? I try not to pay him attention but it’s like a bad movie that’s supposed to be this love story but turns into a comedy film in the middle of it (Everything, Everything. Watch it drunk. It’s funnier). He should be proud since provides great material for everyone to joke about – until we realize this isn’t a joke.

If you’re already annoyed by this, you can stop reading here and sub me on Facebook because you’re so tired of everybody talking about the reality television show titled America. It’ll only make you get uncomfortable from here.

Continue reading some quiet weekend, huh?

Kyrie’s Petty SZN.

Kyrie Irving is a petty genius.

Yes, you read that correctly. Contrary to everybody’s opinion from social media, I like Kyrie Irving. Even though he only played 3 games at Duke, he still went to Duke (smh). His shoes are dope. His one trick pony of being a consistent scorer at the NBA level is at a god-level. Irving’s ability to score the basketball and create shots for himself is at a level that not a lot of NBA players have, especially when his jersey is not tucked in (Kyrie not having his jersey tucked in is on the levels of hoodie Melo).

Is he the best point guard in the NBA? Hell nah. I don’t believe he’s in the top 5 (Curry, Paul, Westbrook, Wall, Lowry are mine. Fight me, please) at that position as his ability to impact others so far in his career is not what it should be, but that’s okay.

Kyrie Irving is absolutely fed up and I’m here for it. Irving went on First Take yesterday and had one of the most interesting interviews I’ve seen. It was like watching myself answer questions when my family members ask if I’m in a relationship. I have no idea why he went on national television to hardly talk, but trolling Stephen A. and Max Kellerman is A-OK with me. Smith asked Irving if he talked to Lebron about his trade request, and Irving said “no” in the most blunt version I’ve hear from an athlete. He then went on and controlled the entire conversation as it’s clearly obvious that Irving was tired of playing basketball with Lebron James.

After the Warriors dominated the Cavaliers in the finals (it was not as close as Richard Jefferson stated, although game 3 was a classic), a lot of news reports jumped out about Kyrie, his abilities, and his role on the Cavs. He was seen as a great number 2 guy with an all-time great and perhaps, he felt overlooked. Requesting a trade is one thing. Kyrie’s favorite player growing up was retired shooting guard #8/#24 who did this in the 2007 off-season. Doing it after 3 straight NBA finals while winning a title and hitting the biggest jumpshot in Cleveland Cavaliers history was strange to most fans. I however, understand where Kyrie Irving is coming from.

James’ uncertainty to his future in Cleveland due to him signing with the Lonzo Ball Lakers next season seems like reasons that Irving claiming that he wanted to take his “own path” and to “grow as a player,” which is understandable and agreeable. Irving yesterday seemed at peace with him being as the newest member of the Celtics.

Most sport fans hate that NBA players have control of their legacies. Most of us grew up in an era where one great player just stayed with the same team for 15 to 20 years (Kobe, Dirk, Duncan) and retired there not realizing that organizations have the ability to trade and cut whoever they want to (loyality is overrated, btw). The current trend is that some players often leave their markets to go win championships (Lebron, KD) because most of us harp on the fact that it’s all about “ringzzzz” (which is not true, btw) and legacies.

Irving DID NOT need to inform James of his decision to be traded. I bet you Lebron was not going to inform him that he would be leaving to join the Lonzo Lakers next year leaving Irving, who signed an extension days before Lebron decided to write how he was “coming home” again in 2014. Personally, I believe that people are making this a big deal because he left Lebron and most likely a trip to the NBA Finals to lose to the death star Warriors in either 4 or 5 games.

James is seen as this great teammate (and he is cause he got James Jones paid for 7 straight years to sit on the bench) but for a player like Kyrie who also needs the ball in his hands to also be productive, this makes sense. Irving said he wants to be a “point guard” again. Irving wanted a new change of scenery, which leads me to ask… “what happened between the end of the NBA Finals and before Kyrie’s china trip with Nike?” Is it a personal? Who knows.

I am 100% here for savage and condescending Kyrie Irving. Who cares about the end result of his career or legacy? He’s 25 years old, and already has a title under his belt. Will it work out in Boston? Who knows, let alone who cares? I can tell you that taking a risk and lucking up becoming a member of a legendary franchise in this trade is a win for him, and a win for the NBA’s petty warz.

Opening night. Cavs vs Celtics. PETTY IRVING. I can’t wait.

 

 

…Stanford is “soft.” + memories of the infamous 2006 Rose Bowl

Two weeks ago, I wrote a blog that was titled, “I think USC is back.” I meant every word in that blog knowing that USC’s schedule is one of the toughest but given how great Sam Darnold finished last season and knowing the returning starters on defense. I figured USC could make a playoff run, although the schedule is tricky and the lack of having a bye week could mean being worn down by November.

Continue reading …Stanford is “soft.” + memories of the infamous 2006 Rose Bowl